Hello 2020!
Hello and happy new year! Can you believe the last time we met was a decade ago? Right. So, moving on from lame jokes, how are we all on the first working day of a brand new year? All geared up and ready to go? Another year, another fear? Initially, I wanted to talk about the whole new year, new decade thing and my excitement for it. But for some reason, this year, I find myself thinking about the past on January 1st instead of being all "YEAH! NEW YEAR, NEW ME! WHOOP WHOOP!" And naturally, I thought I would share it and see if you feel similarly.
The last time it was a new decade, I had just finished my A levels. I was all set to work a temp admin job while waiting to start uni. I would turn 19 later that year. I was completely lost and still unsure about my choice for my major even though I was desperately applying to different unis and paying the application fees. I realised I was transitioning into an adult, something I felt poorly prepared for. I was feeling forced to accept my mortality more than ever. I was nursing a heartbreak. I was so confused and so very nervous because other than "graduate", I didn't know what I was supposed to do next in life. I was so scared I would take the wrong step in life. Yet, I showed up to work every day with a big smile on my face because well... I didn't know how else to show up at work. I laughed, I made jokes (a lot of them self-deprecating in nature), and I saved up to buy my own laptop. I don't know if I was optimistic but I was confident it will all somehow work out in the end.
At the start of the decade, I was listening to a lot of Lady Gaga, Shakira, and Taylor Swift. I pretty much forgot I like to write. I presumed that in 10 years I would have a job, some strong moolah in the bank, and a husband. Maybe a child or a pregnancy because I thought "How can you not have kids?! YOU KNOW?!" I believed this was the natural order of life. At the end of the decade, I find myself listening to a lot of Beyonce, Billie Eilish, and still, Taylor Swift. I have a website where I write. Forget marriage, my dating life at 28 is as abysmal as it was at 18 and the idea of having a child makes me think "Good God, WHY?!"
The past decade was about me entering my twenties, the period of time in your life where you would be figuring out yourself. At the start of the decade, I thought the phrase "finding yourself" was fairly stupid. What do you mean "find yourself"? Where and how does one even lose their self first?! I'll be entering my thirties in the decade that lies before me, the period of time in your life where you are comfortable in your identity. And now I know how you lose yourself. You lose yourself to society. To long-term relationships where you feel forced to upkeep the image you carved out for yourself. To some voice you now seem to have in your head even though you're not quite sure whose it is. At the start of the decade, I thought I already knew what I liked and disliked and I thought I had a pretty good command of who I am. I joked, "I'm an old soul!" At the end of the decade, while some of my core traits have remained (my hatred for the idea of hitting the clubs), I realise you are never quite done learning about yourself (It's not just that I'm picky about coffee, it's that I prefer coffees with a bitter profile). In some ways, I'm more sure of myself and my life than that wide-eyed 18-year-old. I feel proud when I see what I have done with my career. I shake my head when I see where some of my hard-earned money went. I know even if I never get married, it doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love. But some days, I panic because I let the uncertainty of life consume me. And I get scared. And insecure. And fret about making the wrong turn in life. And on those days, I feel just like that 18-year-old.
Ten years ago, I thought it was so important to have your entire life planned. I know now that it’s not about having some sort of vision for your life, but it’s about learning to adapt when life throws you a curveball. Because it always does. It’s not about what you do to keep someone or something constant. It’s about learning to be sufficient even when that gets taken away. Because it always does. Ten years ago, 28 and 29 sounded like this serious adult age to me by which you would have your life in order – you would be settled down and you won’t be doing the “wrong” things in life anymore. But having gotten to 28, I realise there's every kind of person at 28 - the accountant who parties like they are 18 after office hours, the HR exec who works her 9-5 without any complaints every day because she seeks her happiness from her hobby and not her husband, that random "friend" flitting between jobs just to make enough for today with no plans for tomorrow. And I know now that none of them are doing life "wrong". I thought “levelling up” is what will keep you satisfied in life. I know now that my happiness, my worth, the fixes to my insecurities and my self don't lie in a job, a marriage or a size I consider perfect. Because it never does.
I feel like a decade is so long. And yet, so very short. I feel like I blinked and went from 18 to 28. I feel like I've done so much between 18 and 28. But the ability to create a "top 10 of the last decade" makes me wonder if that's enough at all. Another blink and I could be 38. Sometimes I wonder if I'm done peaking and won't have a top 10 or even a top 5 to list out between 28 and 38. Some days I'm curious if I'll have a breakdown about turning 30. Some times I wonder what it is that I like fervently now that I would hate in 10 years. With this October, it would be three years of thendraluthaman.com and I wonder if I would be writing a piece titled "A decade of thendraluthaman.com" in about seven years. I feel like I know so much more about life now, and yet, like I know nothing. All I know for sure is, I don’t know what’s coming. I wouldn’t change anything about my past that got me to where I am today and I’m working to be happy and grateful for what I have today. So, I show up every day with a big smile on my face because well... I don't know how else to show up. I laugh, I make jokes (considerably less self-deprecating in nature), and I'm saving up for my rainy day funds, my holiday funds and all the other forms of savings you could possibly need. I don't know if I'm optimistic but I'm confident it will all somehow work out in the end. What else can you do anyway? So, here's to a new decade!
While I have you here, I just wanted to quickly share that for this year, I will try to post a minimum of 5 posts a month. Posts will be primarily posted each Thursday for no reason other than that I like Thursdays. Since most months have 4 Thursdays, the extra post (and any extra posts if I feel like writing more than 5) will be posted on a Monday. With the exception of December, a tenacious woman will still be featured on the last Thursday of every month. I have not forgotten that I asked you guys on Instagram about the content and the recipes you would like to see here. So, they will all be making an appearance over this year. Part of me wants to stay committed to my initially planned Mondays and Thursdays but most of me knows that posting 5 is how I will be able to pace myself and not burn out too quickly. I hope you stick around for another year!
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