The Year I Chose Me
So, earlier this year I said I wanted this to be a year for me. Or a year of me. I still can’t decide which way that should go. But essentially, I wanted this year to be the year I put myself in focus – what I want, what I like, and what I care about.
Silly me thought this would be like flipping a switch – one that alternates between “others” and “me”. It turned out to be more like trying to do a personality overhaul. Putting the spotlight on me was INCREDIBLY unsettling. If you stopped me on a random day and asked me what my favourite colour was, I would automatically answer “I like different things in different colours, I don’t really have one!” Post- “year of/for me” decision, I had to have a conversation with myself one day on what my favourite colour actually was. Taking myself out on a designated “self-care” day was easy and something I have done plenty of times. Taking myself out because I wanted to? That brought about some… discomfort.
It all clicked into place one day when I was talking to my mum about being unmarried. She told me to look at it this way – I can dread the fact that I’m single, making non-existent children and husband my priority, or I can learn to embrace having all of my time to myself. To learn more about me and what I like (before my kid’s favourite food becomes my favourite food, she joked). And, I thought, “RIGHT. So, why don’t I put myself first?” and something inside me said in a very small, very faint voice “Because you’ll feel guilty.”
And that’s when I realised that even though I had declared a whole YEAR for myself, a part of me felt troubled making that decision. Because of guilt. Guilt that choosing myself meant I was being self-centred, egoistical, narcissistic. Doing what I like, what I know is best for me as an adult woman, and exercising control over the uncertainty that is life through my choices and my actions was something that I tied with overwhelming guilt. Why?
Cue all the fun introspection, journaling, and late-night ruminations.
It came down to all the years of conditioning to put others first. “You can’t be a good daughter/ sister/ wife/ mother/ friend if you don’t put others above you!” “Women are self-sacrificing, they’re MEANT to care about others rather than themselves!” “If you keep doing what YOU like now, you won’t be able to adjust to your husband/ child/ in-laws tomorrow!” “This is NOT how good girls behave!” “You call yourself a woman?” Now pair that with my people-pleasing tendencies, and it was the perfect self-destruct button. Whether one created the other, or they’re a match made in heaven, or they are a Mobius strip, I don’t know. But this was my problem.
Guilt, over the simple choice of me was an anticipated barrier that prevented me from booking tickets I wanted (what if something happens and someone needs me??), letting arguments slide (well, they probably have a point), and not even seeing the doctor over a persistent pain I had in my lower abdomen for a year (what if it lands me in the hospital?? People need me!!). By the way, I read somewhere months ago that making yourself constantly available to others is a behaviour that actually stems from abandonment issues. So, that’s 2 for people-pleasing tendencies and 0 for Thendral if you’re keeping score.
And here’s the thing, do I feel happy and pleased with my choices when I put others first? Rarely. Bordering on “NO.”. I experience resentment, a need for acknowledgement, and a lingering sense deep, deep within my heart of what would have happened if I had chosen what I truly wanted.
After this self-analysis, I powered through every time the opportunity to choose myself was presented. Do I feel like I excelled? I would say I tried my best. It just doesn’t happen overnight. Ever so often, a voice would creep up and demand “And who do YOU think you are? What makes you so special? What makes you so precious to put yourself before others?” On some days, I gave in, this is a journey after all, and this is all new and I’m still learning. But on some days, I told the voice “Yeah, if not me, then who?” and went about with what I wanted to do. Overall, “me” was in the forefront of my memory enough to go for those Trevor Noah tickets, and the AR Rahman tickets and go on THREE whole holidays (gasp). It also meant self-publishing Single and Ready for an Arranged Marriage (bittersweet because dreams of a traditional publishing house versus knowing I’m done with my story) and FINALLY putting my health front and centre, and getting a much-needed celiac diagnosis and treatment. What did my choices get me? Good health, so much laughter, an audio experience that I know I will cherish for life, and so many insights into cultures I’ve never learned about before. So many memories and so much of my heart feeling full.
Now, before I went on this journey, I read articles with titles along the lines of “Four ways putting yourself first helps YOU!” or “The art of saying yes” or “self-care is utilitarian!” They all told me you can’t pour from an empty cup, that establishing boundaries is a vital part of being human, and that treating yourself right is how you teach others to treat you. These are all wonderful things I experienced in their own right – in fact, some of it transferred or worked interchangeably with my people-pleasing tendencies and inability to say no. But something valuable and unexpected that came out of putting myself first, was so much peace. I’m at so much more peace with myself. No wasted emotions over neglected scenarios, no sense of being torn between two worlds. I did what I wanted to because it was right for me. Simple. Saying this sentence is enough to slow down my heartbeat while my mind races ahead, wondering if I’ve failed as a “good woman”.
And let me just say this as a reminder for my future self who goes back to my older posts and rereads them: “A good woman is simply one with integrity. Integrity is not synonymous with self-sacrificing, being your own doormat, or invisible to yourself.”
Do you know what’s another unexpected side effect of all this? I’m getting into intuitive eating, rather than force-feeding myself because I’m scared I’ll be hungry later or I’ll be looking for a snack. I don’t know if it’s being pumped with so many supplements, or getting my celiac under control so my immune system can act correctly but I only eat what I want when I want. Which is proving to be really helpful in managing my energy levels (especially when I’m on my period!)
With 5 days left in the year, I know this will be an ongoing practice in 2025 and maybe even beyond. And I’m okay with that. I’m looking forward to learning more about myself, being less frazzled over woulda, coulda, shoulda situations during the abyss of the night, and having greater contentment and inner peace. I can’t wait to see what life will look like when I’m fully comfortable choosing myself.
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