30 Things Before 30
I think 30 is a big age - it's the “This is it!” age. You can still be figuring out your sh*t in your 20s but thirties - pah - you better have it together in your thirties! But the older I get, the more I'm starting to suspect that no one actually has it all together. I think we are all just kind of making it up as we go along. I have a whole thing about that, that I will explore when I have ACTUALLY turned 30 because I'm still remotely concerned that on the eve of my birthday, I would have a major meltdown along the lines of "This is itttt, I'm 29, I’m still living in my parents home and I'm a sad, withering, virgin that no one wants, God what a complete loser I am!”
But as scared as I am of my meltdown, 10 days shy of my birthday, I don't think anything life-changing or profound is going to happen. Especially while we are in a pandemic. So, I thought I would take a little trip down my life and look at the things I thought I would have done before 30 and see how much I’ve actually done and how far I am from this list. And while I’m at it, might as well look at the milestones I didn’t expect to happen and the milestones I don’t see myself creating because of my own aversion to it.
Things I thought I would have but don’t
1. A home
I honestly don’t know how I feel about homeownership anymore in the financial sense of things and in Singapore. Should I be renting instead?
2. A husband
I’m sure through a series of posts on this site, we all know how I feel about this so let’s spare the words for other, newer concepts, shall we?
3. Children
As much as I’ve made my peace with the whole not having a husband thing, not having children seems to hurt more of late - I skip ALOT of baby content I otherwise wouldn’t have had a problem with before. I think it’s to do with the whole biological clock and not having any control over it – my body is actively making a decision for me whether I am with it or not.
4. The ability to speak a third language
I’ve given learning French two shots now. I gave up the first time because I just couldn’t wrap my head around counting in French. I gave up the second time because I was introduced to the concept of gendered nouns. I tried to stick it out but when I was told that eggs – I repeat, eggs, the ONE definitive feminine thing in the binary scheme of things is MASCULINE, I exclaimed “Sacré bleu!!! Vive la resistance!!!” and marched out of class. I’m kidding, I stayed quietly fuming until the end of class and then just didn’t go back. But I also find it hard to learn a language when you don’t have someone to converse with in that language so c'est la vie to this. If it happens, it happens.
5. Read a “classic” in English and Tamil
I just. Listen. I love reading but this is NOT my cup of tea.
6. A sense of maturity/ feeling like a grown-up
While I've not had the conventional responsibilities expected by the world, I wouldn't say I didn't have my share of "Okay, you're an adult now, get on top of this situation" or having people look at me for decisions. But I don’t feel older or wiser or any different. If anything, I'm feeling more and more like my nine or ten years old self. Without the burdens of school and university or a job I don't like, I somehow feel lighter and happier. I’m approaching life with a sense of joie de vivre I didn’t have before. Time to stop the French? Got it, will do so.
7. Put together a family tree
Like I know things about my family history but I don’t know things – you know what I mean? Which is why I wanted to chart it all. Since I was in university. I can’t believe I’m turning 30 and still have not sorted this out! It just keeps moving down my priority list so… time to get down to it I suppose.
8. Writing a book
I don’t know if I thought I would have written and published a book by 30 but I’ve wanted to write a book since I was fourteen or fifteen. Not even books (plural) and become an author, just A book. I’ve not given up on this.
Things I DIDN’T plan on having but do
9. A blog
I had Tumblrs and Bloggers in my teens and twenties but it was always private and for the knowledge of a few close friends. So, it’s not the biggest surprise that I have one now, but having one that’s public feels like a big deal and it’s easily the best thing I’ve done. There’s something liberating and exciting about writing things, putting them out on the internet and then watching them live a life of their own.
10. An audience for my blog
People take the time out of their day to read what I wrote? Wow. Okay. And people LIKE what I wrote?? People also chance upon my blog because of Google??? It still feels surreal and wonderful all at the same time.
11. A creative hobby
I don’t have an artistic bone in my body and “creative” is the last word I would use to describe myself. But I like scrapbooking and spent a good part of my late teens and early twenties giving my friends scrapbooks and collages of memories for their birthdays. Then life happened and I kind of fell out of it. And so when I came across the concept of BuJo, I thought I would give it a go. I am actually surprised to learn this is something I enjoy and like doing for about … four years now?! Goodness me!
12. Having a personal style and a wardrobe I love!
I don’t know if I was planning to spend the rest of my life in long sleeves and jeans but I’m having so much fun choosing lovely, floral dresses and polka dot skirts in Parisienne cuts and carrying adorable little bags and pairing it all with ~aesthetic~ gold-toned jewellery! I think I’ve always looked at wardrobe as a functional necessity rather than a way of expressing yourself. So this side of me that’s having fun with it is rather surprising for myself. It’s like the BuJo – I’ve always thought of myself as “square” when it comes to colours and patterns but now look at me!
13. A structured skincare routine
Speaking of dresses, a well-thought-out skincare routine is NOT something I saw myself investing in either. Again, I don’t know if I had planned on leaving my skin just be for the rest of my life – my mum’s in her fifties and her skin’s still great even though she just got into moisturiser recently. But it has been incredible to see how much and how well your skin responds if you just gave it some time and love – skincare seems to work A LOT like plants. A bit of water here, a bit of extra nutrients there, boom! It’s being its BEST self!
14. Yoga, HIIT trainings and Muay Thai
I did the rain dance before PE in school. I’m not even exaggerating, I PRAYED for rain because I loathed P.E. Here I am doing deadlifts and LIKING it. I really wish the way the present PE in schools would change. It’s not that I didn’t like PE, I didn’t like mindless running or cycling or jogging. What I like is pushing myself, feeling strong, and working up a GOOD sweat from the efforts I put in. It’s so interesting how there’s no one way to become fit and healthy and yet that’s how they present it. Pretty much just like they push everything else in school I suppose.
15. Develop an opinion on politics
I spent most of my life firmly apathetic and the belief that most politicians are liars and only care about power. I still think like that sometimes but I only recently realised how dangerous it can be to be a silent bystander.
16. Going on an overseas trip with money I made myself
As much as I wanted to travel, I’ve never built goals around this for myself. But when the opportunity did happen for me to go to Atlanta when I was a wide-eyed 23-year-old, I was over the MOON. And I was incredibly proud of myself for doing it all by myself with my money: planning the itinerary, sorting out flights and stopovers, arranging the hotels. No one in my family had ventured beyond Asia at that point so long flights and the culture shock of the Western world was all very new to me and I’m still so proud of myself for it.
17. A sense of identity that comes from making peace with your childhood traumas and stuff.
I thought I was not a nice person, but looking back I realise, I just had a very clear sense of boundaries and things I was comfortable with. Don't get me wrong, I've been a complete doormat to the wrong people longing for the reciprocation of my love - but for people outside my immediate inner circle, I thought I came across as not the nicest - but it so happens that the right people WILL respect your boundaries and your "no"s and your space and comfort which gives you the space to be kind. For some reason, having your own set of values and a sense of yourself is fine in your thirties while it's deemed as being "not fun" and "spontaneous" in your teens and twenties – especially when it’s all about groups and not individuality in your teens.
18. An understanding about relationships
I thought relationships (all forms, platonic, romantic, etc) were give and take. You are there, you love each other, simple. Looking back, I realise I was in a lot of situations that created a relationship which made it easy for things to be transactional rather than unconditional. Expectations of 50-50 reciprocity, let’s see who makes the first move, passive-aggressiveness. Turns out relationships are not 50-50 ALL the time. When you are barely functioning, you can’t give 50% to a relationship but this is where someone who also values it as a relationship rather than a situationship would shine – they would pick up your slack and give their 100% for both of us.
19. An influence on people
I spent most of my twenties desperate to be liked, desperate to “fix” people, “help” people, defining myself by my relationships - everything else you can think of about external things rather than internal. I’m frankly done. I’m learning to take people as they are, rather than who I think they could be. I have days where I think a group near me that’s giggling is probably laughing at me and days I long to be liked and loved, and that’s okay too. But it’s just okay if only those who like me right now are the only ones who continue to like me.
20. Liking myself
Obviously, it’s not 24/7. But I didn’t think it was possible.
21. Becoming someone who stops to see the sunset, or the moon, or a flower
And I love it so much! Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives, that we forget that there are problems, and then there are PROBLEMS. That we are not the only life here. That sometimes, stopping to appreciate the smaller things is EXACTLY how the bigger things will fall into place.
22. The realisation that life happens when you let go
I like having plans, it helps me be in a positive headspace as much as possible because it gives me a sense of direction, purpose, something to look forward to. Yet, I’ve also learned to be TOTALLY flexible with these plans. I think the fact that the best things that have happened to me are under this list and that this is also the longest list out of the four makes it clear why the best things in life happen when you learn to go with the flow.
Things I planned to do and HAVE done!
23. Have a career in writing
I DID figure out the grown-up way to write like my 14/15-year-old self wanted: to go into research. And now as I enter my thirties, I’m going to look at how I can move more and more into it creatively and also in a way that’s financially rewarding.
24. Maintain an enthusiasm for my birthday
I used to wait until midnight and refresh notifications on Facebook to see if anyone wrote “Happy birthday!!” on my wall (remember those times??) but dear God, I’m almost 30. If I don’t have to be up past midnight, I’m not staying up past midnight. But I still like to make a big deal about my birthday! I’m sorry, it’s not just birthDAY or perhaps even, birthWEEK. It’s birthMONTH. I.e., doing something special or treating myself to something special every week of November. As much as I catch myself thinking “Who do I think I am and why do I think I am so important to celebrate every WEEK of a month”, it’s fun and I like it! It’s a form of self-care if you will. I thought this excitement for my birthday would dissipate as I grow older and I’m so happy to see I’m still the way I was at 10 at 30.
25. Travelling!
I used to read all these books as a kid and told myself I would be there ONE day too. I can’t believe I get to say I’ve been to three of such places already! Pompeii, Tower Bridge, and the Twelve Apostles! There’s still a few more from my childhood list that I want to check out but my adult list is non-exhaustive. I’m not fussed about achieving travel to a certain number of countries, especially by a certain age at that. I’m grateful I get to travel and see all these diverse perspectives in the first place.
26. Venturing a bit more into spirituality
This is a pretty personal side to me and one I fell out of in my late teens and early twenties. Yoga definitely eased me into it and I’m curious to see what I make of it in the years to come!
Things I don’t plan to do EVER and have yet to break
27. Facials
I know I said I don’t plan to, but I did this once. And only because it was an all-natural, massage based technique that I came across during a yogic trip to Bali. I think it’s a fun way to treat yourself but it didn’t change my mind about facials at all and I would pick a massage over this in a heartbeat. I feel like I would rather do a face mask myself.
28. Getting drunk
Still don’t see the appeal.
29. Regrets
Almost thirty years done and I still wouldn’t change a thing in my life. Everything has happened for a reason and I firmly believe, it will continue to do so.
30. Fancy, (expensive!) lingerie
Okay, I did this once too. Just out of curiosity. What a waste of every cent! And why are they all so UNCOMFORTABLE?
I can’t wait to see how I would further evolve in my thirties and see who I would be when I enter forty! Am I going to become a plant person with a house full of plants and I’ve named them all? Am I finally going to stop dying my hair the same reddish-brown I have for some time now and grow out the white hairs for a dignified monochromatic look? Am I going to throw it all to the winds and live out a van and live a digital nomad life (Okay, that sounds a bit much)? I’m excited to see! Let’s go thirty!
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