Turning 32: The Good, The Bad, The Okay
I am turning 32 soon and so I was thinking about my past year which made me put together one of the standard posts on this site – my thoughts around my upcoming age! Can you believe this is the seventh of such post I’m making on this blog!
So! 32. A weird age I feel. It’s not quite mid-thirties but it’s also not late-20s/ I just turned 30. It feels like an in-between period of the different stages in life - at least for me so this one is going to be a * little * bit longer. Bear with me. And let’s start with the bad because I just want to get that out of the way.
The Bad
I’m seriously concerned about my reproductive health. I’ve always been open to adoption - since I became familiar with the concept in fact. My stance has always been, “Don’t those kids deserve a loving home and a family too?” Now, I’ve never committed myself to the idea of adoption beyond this such as looking into the cost, processes, etc. But I wouldn’t surprise myself if I did do this one day. Yet, considering the way I was raised, I feel like it’s hard not to think about my eggs. I mean… thirty-two. Based on general scientific evidence/ advice, I have what? About three years of reproductive health left? Like, what is left in there and is it of any value at this point at all? And I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my thirties or because I’ve discovered how gluten has a direct (negative) impact on my cycle, I find the whole notion of my reproductive health is always in the back of my head. No matter what I’m doing. Singapore has finally established egg freezing – loads of restrictive rules but still a great step overall. Then I looked into the cost, and it really came down to “Do I want to freeze my eggs, or do I want to buy my house at 35?” Because both seem possible at this point and you know, what? House won. I stand by this choice because like I said, I think there are more ways to having a child or becoming a mum than becoming pregnant. And I know myself enough to understand and accept why I make my choices so they don’t become a source of regret later on. But I do wonder if this will be a chip on my shoulder or an inadequacy I’ll have in my later years if I never become a mum through my own pregnancy. I don’t want to use the word “failure” because it is something I’m unlearning but I wonder if it will haunt me on the quietest nights.
Also, of lesser importance, I finally lost the baby fats I had in my cheeks. I know. I still had baby fats until the ripe age of 31. I think this is why people have a hard time believing my age. Anyway. I knew this had to happen sooner or later, but it was an “oh man” moment nonetheless. I didn’t even realise it had happened, I just felt my face looked different in photos and my blush/ highlight/ bronzer placements were no longer working for some reason. Then it hit me. So, cheers to my baby fats! You will be missed!
The Okay
I saw this oxymoronic quote some time ago that read, “When someone is free of commitments, do they have nothing? Or everything?” and I found it… interesting. Because while I am hyperaware of not having a house, partner, or child for “someone of my age” in a community like mine, I cannot imagine saying I have nothing. Sure, in moments of weakness, I do say I feel untethered. And yeah, I don’t have a partner and because I don’t have a partner, in Singapore, I can’t have a house, and these are things I would like (hope?) to change but I wouldn’t say that means I have nothing in my life right now. But it’s been weeks since I saw that quote and it’s still something that passes through my mind when I’m doing something mundane because I don’t have an answer.
I don’t look like I’m in my thirties which is great until you realise it means I don’t get treated like I’m in my thirties. In the sense that I’m not taken seriously. I find myself thinking, “I don’t think this person realises I’m 30.” more and more of late. At the post office. At the grocery store. I was asked if I was the new intern. I see someone I know is younger than me get more regard from customer service all the time. Some say it’s because I don’t act like I’m in my thirties which… I mean, what is that? I often ask what acting in my thrities would look like and I get a shrug in return. I assume I’m being compared with someone more conventional who is in their thirties – has a spouse, a house, and kids and thus has the weight of such responsibilities in their mind as they go about their life. Which I obviously don’t. I mean if you ask me, I’m just no longer a teenager and I have spending power. But if I need to change that to appear more forlorn or mature just to “act my age”, I’m just going to have to make do with this trade-off for now.
The Good
I saved this for the last because the bottom line despite all the concerns I shared about is that I’m happy, healthy, and alive! It’s not just a Brooklyn 99 reference, I genuinely think aging is a gift and aging healthily is a blessing. And at 32, I feel vibrant – an adjective my interviewer chose to summarise me at the end of a job interview earlier this year. I thought it was an odd choice then, but now, I’m embracing it! 2023 has been a rollercoaster of a year (thoughts to follow in my recap of the year blog post) and not only did I make it through with a mostly positive attitude (bar a few fully valid meltdowns), I feel like I’m thriving! I don’t know why I thought you would be the husk of the child you once were in your thirties. Every year, I learn more about myself and integrate more of the different pieces that make me, me. Take for example 17- to 18-year-old Thendral. She was a goth. She listened to A LOT of Evanescence and Within Temptation, was dark and moody and had a weird obsession with pen knives. This part of me still lives on – it’s miniscule, but it’s there. I mean, it’s me after all. But I tried to suppress (or repress?) her for the longest saying it was a weird era. This year, I curated a playlist and named it “Dark feminine energy” - I have been listening to it maybe once a month or two months (you know, when your period is around the corner and you just have this ~vibe~). It’s been great. Acknowledging that I do have such weird, dark thoughts sometimes, and then telling myself it’s okay to be like that once in a while because you can’t be sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and in fact, light cannot exist without darkness, has been more spiritually fulfilling than just acting like I just don’t want to talk about that phase. I’ve also come to the conclusion this year that I am my own best company – I know myself well enough to know what I like and what I don’t like, which means I can regulate or at least, manage my emotions and my sense of self. I have a blog that’s entering its seventh year and I couldn’t be prouder and happier about it. (15 year old me is looking at me in wide-eyed wonder). I’m constantly evolving, things I thought I had already learned require me to faithfully exercise or better establish them (like boundaries), and there’s enough newness in my life to make me look ahead in optimism. And speaking of optimism, I feel like I’ve still not given into the realities/ cruelties (honestly, which is it at this point?) of the world enough to kill my inner child so I still navigate life and approach things with the naivete and enthusiasm of a child. Which is something I like about myself. It’s who I am! And I hope I get to say the same even when I’m 50. So, for the most part, I am grateful for this life I get to live and I have a quiet sense of contentment about it all. I wonder what lies ahead in my 32nd year and what 33 would look like.
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