Farewell 2023!
2023! What a year it has been and then some! My “Hello 2023!” post seems so hilarious to me right now considering I wrote at length about wanting a safe year, a nothing at all on the agenda year so I can just be without having too much negativity or stressors to my mental health.
And what did I do? I changed jobs, lost a best friend, started a new Instagram account solely for my writing only to shut it down within the year, and then stepped away from Instagram altogether, restarted Thendral’s Telegraphs, went to Seoul, spammed literary agents with my book, redecorated my room, struggled A LOT mentally, and tried my best to live, laugh, love through it all.
Now, I am so grateful for all these experiences because of the consequent growth and all that ish. And I’m really not a fan of having an entire year pass you by and somehow still be the same either. But I also feel so wiped out. I want a vacation where I do fuck all but lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling for a few days at the least. My sense of faith, hope, optimism, and essentially all the things that make me, me were put to test this year and I just want to hibernate briefly to recover from it all. I don’t like to complain, I don’t like to wallow so I would rather just dissect the year a little.
One of the goals I set for myself this year was to get my book out or publish it here on my website as paid content. I didn’t get favourable responses from literary agents and you know what, I don’t feel like publishing my book here yet either. While I’m not happy with this outcome, I also feel like I didn’t give my all to reach out to literary agents this past year. Circumstances had me looking for a job and reaching out to literary agents at the same time. To get SO many rejections back-to-back on both fronts was soul crushing. I honestly don’t know how some people are able to juggle so many different facets of their life “Yeah I’m a mum, I have this full-time job and I also have an Etsy shop on the side and I made these gluten-free scones because you were coming over.” Literally, HOW?? I have two things and I fell apart. Anyway, I prioritised my job search and completely went AWOL on emailing literary agents. Then it was all about “settling into my new job” and not having the capacity to choose, shortlist, and sell my book to literary agents. And now it’s been months since I emailed any literary agent. I guess life happens and as much as I envy the type of people I described just now, I’m okay with what I can manage. And for me, “managing” things required me to alter the course of one of my goals which I’m fine with, because honestly, who’s tracking and holding you accountable for it all but you?
I also made the decision to step away from Instagram this year which has been GREAT. I feel like I miss the time in our lives when we had a “computer room” – when we can leave our computer, the internet, and whatever digital connections we have built in that room and go somewhere else to think about and focus on the other aspects of our lives. Now, it’s all literally in our hands. And there’s just SO much information, isn’t there? We get our news from social media, we learn about the people we idolise through social media, we keep in touch with the people who matter through social media, yet, when it comes down to it, I feel like there’s nothing I truly know. I specifically disliked the feeling of scrolling through, pausing to cry at a heartwarming or deeply upsetting story only to go to the next one and laugh at a puppy learning to walk. Or to read a completely misogynistic comment, get incensed by it only to start wondering if I should go to Prague after watching the next Reel. It was as if there were no emotional connections, regulations, or implications. Everything was arbitrary and meaningless. And then attaching statistics to my writing on top of it all just made me feel like a hamster in a wheel –chasing numbers, churning out content with no real value or meaning. Going back to newsletters has been far more calming and satisfying because I’m back in the avenue I truly enjoy – words.
Drastic changes to my friendship has been a recurring theme in my life since my late twenties – people’s priorities changes, people no longer seem to be who they once were, or one day you are both two completely different people. It’s easy to say that’s a part of life we just move on but while the actuality of it is difficult, processing the ending of a friendship and grieving it is a whole other Himalayas to trudge through. Usually, I watch Matthew Perry’s Go On to help process grievances like this but this year, I can’t bring myself to do that either because that’s a whole other thing to grieve right there, isn’t it? Anyway. I’m learning. I’m trying. And I think that’s what matters at the end of the day. 2023 was a rollercoaster and then some and I’m pretty proud of myself for how I handled it all. I made it through, the experiences I had make sense to me and I can see the value in them, I’m still here, and above it all, I’m still a teensy bit hopeful. For a better 2024. And isn’t that what matters? Hope you have a fantastic holiday and I’ll see you in the new year!
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