Something I’ve Been Working On
I’ve been trying to write a book, that’s the TL;DR of this post! But if you want the full story, keep reading!
I have wanted to write a book since I was 14. I’ve never even fantasised about becoming an author or writing bookS, as in plural. The one primary goal I’ve had since I was 14 was, “I want to write a book”. Now, since this wasn’t a “proper” goal and wasn’t something you can tell teachers when you are supposed to be working towards a solid career plan through your O-Levels and your A-Levels already, it was something I never shared with anyone. Those of you who have been here longer might know I’ve always wanted to write and that’s why I went into research; because it felt like the most “adult” way to write. But here’s EVERYTHING on my book-writing efforts that only a handful would know: not only have I wanted to write a book since I was 14, but I’ve also been tossing around various concepts and making so many different efforts since I was 14 to do so.
The first was of course when I was 14. I was reading a lot of thrillers and mysteries around this time and I noticed the premise was usually a male cop and a female cop and then they fall in love. If I wanted a friend angle who work together, it was always two male cops – the infamous buddy cop genre. And me being the budding feminist was all, “Well, why can’t a male cop and female cop just stay friends and work a case?” So, that’s what I wanted to write. I’m laughing at myself as I say this because 14-year-old me was a BEBE! I knew nothing and I was WAY too young to be writing such things!! I mean I’m 30 now and I STILL think I’m too young to pull it off! I like the concept, it’s still on my mind but I still can’t believe this is a story I wanted to write.
My next attempt was just before I joined university: a collection of short stories. I think it was named something like “Vertigo: The perspectives of the world from a short person”. This was when I actually started somewhere with actually writing a book but again, it didn’t take off and in hindsight, I cringe at everything about this. From concept to execution. I think I only had two short stories too, one was about tigers and I have no clue about the other. I would like to thank my cringe quotient for archiving this from my memory altogether.
Attempt number three was when I was fresh out of university and fuelled by a “I don’t know how but I need to figure out how to write a book ASAP” journal entry I had done. It was called “Visions and Voices” and it was going to be a story that dances a thin line between the paranormal and schizophrenia. Do you see why I’m obsessed with The Haunting of Hill House now! If you’re familiar with my content and wondering about this otherwise dark content from me, like I said, I was fresh out of university and riding on a “I’m a Psychology major!” high. Believe it or not, this actually took off! But the story was moving too quickly, and I could only come up with something that was between a short story and a novelette in length. I *think* I might revisit this someday. I like the concept, but I’m not sure I have what it takes for mysteries and thrillers. I think I have too much of a “Hi, here’s my story” vibe that renders me incapable of building suspense.
Which brings us to attempt number four and what this entire post is primarily about! If you’ve been following this blog, you know my parents put me on a matrimony site in June of 2016. This was a time when I was journaling A LOT because I felt constantly disappointed, stressed, and the world around me was acting like “You’ve been on the matrimony site for A WEEK ALREADY?? And you’re STILL not married???” I felt like I was journaling the same things again and again, I was ruminating on the same things again and again, and one day in December of 2016, I realised how much time and effort I was putting into all of this when it had only been six months. And I was breaking out in hives and having actual nightmares - over not getting married. One day, I was looking at the thickness of my journal entries and thought “This is getting ridiculous, I could write a book.” And that’s when it all clicked: “I could write a book. I could write a book. ABOUT ALL THIS! OH MY GODDD!” And everything just fell into place. Of all the concepts I’ve had so far, this makes the most sense to me, and I think it’s the most “me” way to venture into the writing world. It was surprisingly easy to start but it has been so, SO hard to finish. It took me some time to even figure out how the plot was going to develop: Was my main character going to get married within the course of the book? Was she going to get married at the end? Was she even going to get married?? Okay, let me stop myself before I give it all away. Anyway, it took me a LONG time to figure out my tone and style of writing. Being so personally invested in the actual process of arranged marriages, my first few drafts were far too whiny and so I hated them all with a vengeance. Then I switched to a sombre take and it didn’t last long because it’s just not me. Until I was reading a Sophie Kinsella book one day and thought “What am I even doing? Chick-flicks are my thing! THIS should be my angle!!” So even though I set out to start my book in December of 2016, I didn’t write most of the actual book until 2018. I set a target of 100 000 words for my book and hit it in March 2020. That feeling of accomplishment has been bar none. Not even the day I published thendraluthaman.com even though it was the very stepping stone for my book. I wrote a book. The one thing I’ve wanted since I was 14 years old. The one thing I’ve been consciously or subconsciously thinking about for 16 years.
Now, in my opinion, the book is not exactly done. The middle could use a bit of tightening and I’m still in the revising/editing process. But even though this was the case, I sent it out to two publishing agents earlier this year. I didn’t hear back from them and frankly, I’m okay with it because it was mostly just practice for selling myself and my book. And I’m not the best … oh, who am I kidding! I SUCK at self-promotion. It was mostly to make sure I don’t just sit on it now that I’ve finished the book. It’s also why I’m sharing this with you right now. Being in my own bubble of writing has been such a dangerous game. Sometimes I look at the chapters of my book and go “I wrote that??? Where do I come up with these??” I can’t believe I’ve been able to put my overactive imagination to reasonable use somewhere. And sometimes, I’m stuck in the process of over-editing where I’m like “EVERYTHING SUCKS” and I just want to start over. And I wonder WHY I’m even writing all this, if anyone is going to read it, aren’t there enough stories on South Asian women already anyway?? Does the premise of my story even matter?? Which is not… healthy to say the least. At the root of it all, I believe in my book because I NEEDED it five years ago. When I was in the thick of it all and couldn’t detach myself from it, I NEEDED a book that had a heroine like me, going through what I was going through and making it out of it all with a “things are going to be fine” ending like I wanted.
So yes, battling my inner voices has been fun. But if finishing the book was one thing, editing has been a whole other story and actually reaching out to agents and asking them “Hi, can I interest you in publishing my book??” has required… efforts of mammoth proportions. I’ve climbed the mountain that was actually writing the book and now I’m on the proverbial edge before spreading my wings. God, I’m such a cliché. Anyway, I’ve come so far so obviously I can’t back out now, can I? Yet, that’s exactly what’s stopping me. Maybe coming so far is enough. Maybe writing the book was enough. Maybe I don’t have to publish it? Which sounds so fucking ridiculous I feel like throttling myself. The only thing I’ve been telling myself to keep pushing along is I don’t want to be stuck in the fantasy of wondering and wondering what things would be like. I just want to try and figure it out as I go. It’s okay if I failed because at least I have an answer. It’s okay if things don’t take off to the extent I dream of them to because at least I took definitive steps. Rejection is not failure. Failure is letting your fears stand between you and your dreams. Failure is not taking the actions you could. Failure is overthinking things and talking yourself out of it.
So, here’s my plan for now: I’m going to keep trying with publishing agents, I have a specific number. It has been discouraging to see publishing agents not take any submissions during this pandemic and to see the sheer number of people who used being fired because of the pandemic or all the extra time at hand from not commuting as a result of staying home from the pandemic to write a book while I’ve felt overwhelmed and utterly incapable. But again, all I can do is keep pushing myself along. And if I don’t hear back from any of the publishing agents, I am just going to publish the book myself on this site (it will be a members-only, paid content type of arrangement!) I was going to continue to keep this under wraps until I actually get an agent or self-publish. But I think I’ve kept it all under wraps for five years too long and I want to document this journey as well. And also because like I said, I don’t want to sit on my book and do nothing either so I’m hoping sharing it all publicly will act as an accountability factor/ motivation/ etc. And so that is it! I’ve been trying to write a book for five years now. It’s a dream I’ve wanted since I was 14 and I’m scared I’ll back out of it all together because I let my fears dictate me instead of my dreams. If you’re still here reading all this, thank you. And I believe you must be one of my regular readers so thank you for supporting my work so far. You gave me hope that what I want is something possible and I am so very grateful for you for that. There wouldn’t be a thendraluthaman.com anymore if it wasn’t for your continued support and there certainly wouldn’t be a manuscript that’s being revised and sent out to publishing agents if it wasn’t for you. So, thank you. There aren’t enough words in the English language to express my appreciation and gratitude for you. I hope you find all this as exciting as I do.
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