Matrimony and My Thoughts
Let’s get this out of the way – I have a profile on a matrimony website. No, it was not out of my own will. I used to consider the idea ludicrous once upon a time yet somehow, I am now up to my eyes in it. I don’t want to get into specifics on how I ended up there, it’s for another day. But the point is, I am there and that’s how this post came to be. I don’t take part in it – my parents do. I used to initially. There was a lot of blood, tears, screaming, and anxiety on my part so I just stopped looking at it altogether. By what I consider pure luck, and what my parents consider a pure disappointment, I have managed to evade the prospect of marriage for nearly two and a half years since setting up a profile there. In other words, I have been on the website for two and a half years now. The common suggestion and/or accusation towards my family and me for this to be the case is that we are being too “picky”. Especially since I'm at the frail age of 27.
The thing that I have noticed since day 1 on this website is the consistent demand for a fair daughter in law. “Slim” follows a close second but “fair” continues to reign the throne of “What we are looking for in a daughter in law”. That’s two strikes against me. Whatever happened to childbearing hips? Too many times a profile states nothing more than “looking for a fair daughter in law” or “looking for a fair and beautiful daughter in law”. I remember getting so worked up and angry once that I snapped and said "If all these people want are fair daughter in laws, why don’t they go to heavens and look for Rambai and Urvasi?!” (Rambai and Urvasi are two of the many Apsaras in Hinduism who are said to be the most beautiful women. Rambai is the queen of these Apsaras). And then I had to hold and check my train of thoughts. What made me so sure that Rambai and Urvasi were fair?! I had assumed that the most beautiful women in all of the universe were fair. It was then I realized how much I had internalized this fair is beautiful in my own head – ME! The girl who scoffs at every “heroism” dialogue about colour! The girl who wrote a post lamenting about our people’s emphasis on fairness! The amount of attention that is given to appearances is unsettling. Some parents start the description of their entire profile with “my son is handsome and fair” and state nothing else on the profile other than physical appearances when it comes to the daughter in law they are looking for. Sometimes, these “fair” sons are actually of my skin colour. Eventually, guys, especially guys who have a decent social standing, who marry darker skin women are often seen to have done the girl a favour, while the girl has been whispered to have done witchcraft (or brainwashing) to have seduced a man fairer/better than her. “Lucky her”.
If you are scoffing at this thinking thank God, you have never come across such a man – it can be a bit of a shock on who you see on the website – your neighbour, your co-worker, that guy you saw on OkCupid who seemed really cool and interesting. Boys I have seen myself – some have a profile no different than those dating sites, but some seem like an entirely different person. Boys who are obnoxiously proud of how “open-minded” and “progressive” they are. Only to eventually prove to be the spitting image of some of the more conservative people I have met in my life. Boys who look for completely different things in a girlfriend and a wife. “Looking for a girl to take care of me and my family” Is that all I am to you? Guys who won’t hesitate to say, “We are having complaints from the school about our kid’s grades – fine, you quit”. “There’s no food at home? How come you didn’t cook?” “We can’t afford to have someone come and clean the house for us? Fine, you stop working. That’s two birds in one stone.” “I got a job at (insert name of place) so you need to move. Whether or not you can get a job there is something we can worry about later.”
The thing is this whole thing is twisted because everyone – the guy’s family and the guy himself claim to have no expectations. But of course, they do. And it seems like what they don’t verbalise as an expectation but do have as an expectation, is often where they feel let down. From what I have seen, the guys usually want someone they can bring out to company dinners etc, or rather, someone presentable (not blaming anyone for this), which too often turns out to simply be a codeword for fair (this is when it becomes a problem) and knows how to switch from extremely traditional to liberated enough depending on the circumstance (no, the cue cards on what the scenario calls for you to be are not offered). Families often state they are looking for a “working and educated” bride but all that comes to a pause if the girl is just a bit deeper in skin tone, if she seems too much like an individual. It comes to a screeching halt if it threatens with her childbearing role. They want a daughter in law who can fulfil the cultural and gender stereotypes and roles of an old school daughter in law while also carrying herself as a modern woman – someone who works and earns. Some of them have their own daughters and have raised them to be just that – independent, outspoken and almost liberal. Yet when it comes to a daughter in law, that takes a back seat and the old school thinking takes the wheel – someone who can give them grandchildren and care for the family. Who has to quit or be flexible about her job if it interferes with her possibility of marriage and/or motherhood. Some of them with daughters have already married them off and I wonder where they married the daughters and how they are being treated as daughter in laws. And what these mothers think of that. Why this dissonance in daughters and daughter in laws? Why do we cry to empower our women, but continue to confine our daughter in laws? Why do we keep the cycle going with ridiculous articles like these? Why?
Now, based on the “undertones” of this piece so far, I am sure you can understand why I have been told roughly about 2500 times to manage my expectations. Why is it that I have to be okay with throwing my entire future into ruins simply because of my melanin is far beyond me. But apart from my skin tone, I have also been told to manage my expectations because of my height, my stature and my degree (Psychology). To compensate for my shortcoming with my degree, I have been told a number of times to do a Master’s because a Master’s would ultimately look better than a simple degree in Psychology. Not for my resume, but as a prospective bride. True story. I have been told not to talk about my gym sessions (too hardcore) or my Muay Thai sessions (too threatening and makes me seem less feminine). I have been told not to cut my hair or to cut my hair only in a way that keeps the length. I have been told to dye my hair – not in a ridiculous colour, just a normal colour so that I can hide the greys (because that makes me seem old. Never mind the fact that I still have to show my ID when I have to watch an M18 movie and no one, no one, believes that I’m a working adult). I have been told to wear makeup but not too much or too little (I’m still not quite sure what the middle ground is), I have been told what lipsticks work and what don’t, I have been told to have a career plan while also being told that my career plan needs to be flexible enough to make room for children. I have been told to look into remedies to “brighten” my skin (although this has never been specific to the marriage setting), I have been told to lose weight but also keep some because some guys might prefer chubbier women, I have been asked to whiten my teeth, I have been told not to laugh the way I do, I have been told to learn how to cook while also being told what’s the point anyway because the family I marry into might have a completely different style of cooking from mine. I have been told not to overshare while I also being told not to under share (there is no indication on when you should do which) and like I said before. I’m constantly told to manage my expectations. All to imply that I’m being too picky.
If you’re wondering what my expectations are in the first place, that’s fair. Takes two hands to clap, right? I am looking for a Tamil guy where we support each other in our own ambitions and careers, and we are respectful of each other’s dedication for it. A guy who doesn’t see the wellbeing of our home as solely my responsibility but recognises they are his as well. Apparently, it’s too much. While people within my ethnicity continuously drone that such a guy doesn’t exist and heavily imply that I should settle for less than (because as a woman, my priority is marriage. Never mind to whom, just get it done. Plus, I already have all these limitations to me), people from other ethnicities keep asking me to venture out of this ethnic restriction. My reaction to both are almost always just a step shy of jamming my fingers in my ears and going “lalalalala!” The thing is, I know there are Tamil guys out there who are just like what I have described. That it’s not true that men who are respectful of their wives only exist other in ethnicities. I have seen such men. And it’s important for me to marry someone of my own ethnicity because my ethnicity and the culture built around it is important to me and it’s important for me to share it with someone I’m sharing my life with – I can see it being a problem in the future for me if this was not the case, so I am not interested in that. I know that the men I see on the matrimony website are not the only type of men in the world. But often in the quiet of the night, the years of these passive comments that I deserve less than, the cultural norm that I see around me where women are expected to compromise and settle on nearly everything for and after a marriage, my dad’s wistful “But how will I know there will be someone there for you after me, ma?” (which frankly, broke my heart too much to even pull my “Dad, I don’t need a man to be okay”) and my own single hood catch up. And I hear the ghost of a whisper “Am I being too picky?”
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