It's Okay To Not Be Okay
I have been feeling off for very long. By off I mean very low in mood, lacking in hope and optimism and a kind of detachment from everything. I lost interest in the things that usually are of interest to me. I wasn’t feeling particularly creative – it was also one of the reasons I took a writing break. I didn’t want to be inspired or motivated, and I shut myself from reading books or watching movies. Even the songs I once loved were suddenly annoying. When it first crept up on me, I was so confused. I thought I was supposed to be happier and feeling better since I was now pursuing my passion. I thought it was a temporary thing and I tried to push it aside as best as I could. And over the past two months, it got the worst of me. I tried to distract myself with writing here, working on client’s projects and putting up a “normal” appearance as much as possible. But at night, the horrid thoughts caught up with me, and I would lay awake until 2 – 3am. Staring at my ceiling. In fact, some of the working on my website and research to improve it made me feel worse. About how I’m not a “successful” blogger yet.
You know that phrase “misery loves company”? Turns out it doesn’t necessarily mean just people. It can also mean your thoughts. Because the minute I started brooding about how I’m not a “successful” blogger, EVERYTHING that has remotely or vaguely bothered me started trickling in. Retrospection and a lot of free flow writing revealed to me that things like not fully loving where I live, my love life (or rather, the lack thereof), the element of uncertainty that’s associated with being your own boss (with regards to finance, goals, end products, etc.) and this nagging feeling of not living up to my full potential were all eating away at my positivity and cheer.
I tried my best to fight through it all. To be positive and upbeat, to find the light at the end of the tunnel and to be my cheerful self as much as I could. I didn’t share it with anyone except for a close friend because it’s easier to say, “I’m okay” rather than “I’m not okay”. Especially when I didn’t fully know why I wasn’t feeling okay. But I just couldn’t feel better.
Here’s the thing about me. I firmly believe that failures are as important as successes. I believe that life should have its ups and downs like a roller coaster and not be a constant flat line. I believe in balance. And yet, I slipped up the second I felt low. I tried to get over this negativity as quickly as possible without trying to understand it, observe where it’s coming from or allowing myself to be upset. I just focused on moving forward as quickly as possible. I thought I need to get over this emotional low and be normal as quickly as possible.
And that’s why I stopped spending time on Instagram. The place where I follow people who inspire me and make me think. I just posted my pictures and closed the app because people being happy and achieving was dragging me further down. I was chasing images of happiness, rather than being in the moment with my own feelings. I thought I was doing a good job setting the negative energy aside. I thought I was avoiding my “negativity triggers”.
I was actually just repressing my feelings. And apparently, repressing your negative emotions and trying to bite through it actually makes you more upset. Which is why I crashed in the last two months. And that is why I’m writing this post. To share with you what I realised: If you’re not okay, it’s okay to be not be okay. It’s also okay to dwell on not being okay. It’s okay to take all the time you need to recover rather than rushing to feel better and positive.
It’s psychologically impossible for human beings to feel happy ALL the time. And when people tell you things like “show up no matter what” and “think positive” when you are feeling low for an extended period of time, they might as well be platitudes. It’s important for you to take the time to be upset. And process it. Feeling low is NOT the opposite of being normal. It doesn’t mean you are devoid of self-love. It just means it’s time for a tune up. Just like how mistakes make you a better person, and teach you things, not being okay is your mental and emotional health’s way of signalling to you that there’s something for you to learn and grow. So, pay attention to your emotions, see what set off the negativity, sit on it to think about it and most importantly, try as MUCH as you can to not break off from your regular routine. It’s the first thing you want to do but it should also be the last thing you let go off. If someone approaches you about feeling low, ask them to talk about it rather than giving statements like “It will get better”. There’s nothing wrong with such statements, obviously you mean well, but it’s also important to help them process the negativity. Walk with them and guide them through the storm to the sunny side. Don’t simply call for them to join you at the sunny side.
As for me, I’m watching my all-time favourite movies, eating some dark chocolate (it really is a certified mood lifter) and focusing on self-care through things like exercise. Those of you who read my Q&A may remember that I said my favourite place to live in is my head because it’s happy and cheerful. It’s not a place filled with doubts and negativity. Well, now my home is a little messy and all over the place. Just needs some spring cleaning and I’m sure it will be back to its charming self. I’m not a 100% my old self yet. But, I’m on my way there and I know I will get there.
Worry. And then be happy.
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