I’m 31 and a Birthday Q+A
31 folks! I am THIRTY. ONE. It feels sooo foreign to say. Much like my earlier posts, I don’t know if this dissonance comes from how I simply don’t look like I’m in my thirties. And apparently don’t sound like it either! I participated in a survey last month over the phone. At the end of the call, the person wanted my demographics and asked for the year I was born. I said 1991. He repeated it so many times I could hear him doing the maths in his head. He then apologised and said I sounded “really, really young”. I didn’t ask how young. Then of course there are those who know I’m 31 and actually insulted me this year for still being single. When I was a kid and heard the story of Kannagi and how she set Mathurai on fire, I didn’t get it. I thought, “So did she go around to every home and building with a matchstick? How did she set a whole TOWN on fire?” I now realise my fury could set the oceans on fire from the way I’m spoken to simply because I’m a woman. I don’t want to dwell on this too much and especially on every birthday post. But you know what’s interesting? I’m getting less and less bothered about how I’ve “failed” in life by being a thirty-one-year-old woman who is not married and doesn’t have a child. This is a big moment for me because of the way I was raised and my personal beliefs. And I was quite worried for a while because I thought I would fuss about this the older I get. But honestly, I just seem to be getting more and more cavalier about it. Which is nice, and I think this is best for my mental health and the overall way I approach life. I’ve always believed a “lack” mentality and constant complaining will get you nothing and nowhere and so, I’m in a really good place about being single all around. It’s just the absolute entitlement of people to feel welcome to comment on my life (and often people who have NO place talking about these things) that’s the whole other story. But I allow myself that occasional agitation because I really think it’s a reasonable reaction to unreasonable circumstances.
Moving on, I’ve still not had any meltdowns about being thirty. No, oh my life is over the hill, my youth has abandoned me, nothing of that sort. If anything, I’m feeling a bit more amped up than I was this time last year - all because I got rid of the gluten in my system! I cannot express to you how grateful I am to past me who decided it was time to be serious about health and took the CircleDNA test. While it has been devastating to discover what a HUGE culprit gluten has been in my poor health (I recently decided to test exactly how gluten intolerant I can be, had 2 parottas, and suffered for four days. Never again.), it’s so much better to know my mind and body are still sharp in a way that barely has anything to do with hitting thirty and now, thirty-one. And much like I said in my post about turning 30, I really don’t know if I’ll ever feel “mature” or like a more toned-down version of myself - it’s not like I was rambunctious to begin with for me to “settle” down but while I see the possibility of certain impulsive tendencies mellowing down, I think this may be it. Which… I like. I’m good company to myself, and it’s just so incredibly freeing when you realise your thoughts are mostly positive so you can be alone with them now. It’s like I can breathe a bit better. There is this switch that has flipped though! There were quite a few times I went “I’m 30, I don’t have to put up with this anymore.” or “I’m 30, I don’t need this.” over the past year - in a very positive, learning to give myself as much importance as I give others way. So, that’s more points to turning 31. To be honest, there was also this one time I wondered if an eyeshadow was too glittery for me because you know… me being 30 and all now. I later realised my concern came to be because my skin is just getting dry and the glitter had clung to the dry patches of my eyelid in an unflattering way. So we are all good on the glitter. As long as I use finely milled formulas and prep my lid with a hydrating eye primer, when I walk in the room, I can still make the whole place shimmer✨!
I wish I had more profound things to say, but compared to the way I was raised and saw adults around me, thirty-one feels ~good~ and has not been terrifying in any way. From the time I turned 28, it’s been, “Hey! A whole other year! Grateful to still be here!” and less “Oh my god, everything about me is shrivelling, I’m approaching death, death is coming!!!” Occasionally, I hear things, like the time someone said, “I’m 26 now, I’m SO old!” in an unironic manner and am… amused. It’s good to realise I’m not trapping myself in a box because of my perceived age. Turns out as long as you are responsible and care for yourself, you can be vibing and thriving and living your absolute best life at any age - and here’s the best part: your “best” life can mean literally anything YOU want it to. You can decide it’s to have a husband and two kids. You can literally change your mind overnight and decide the next day it’s to sail to the Bahamas instead. It really doesn’t matter, no one is keeping score. And the ones who do, probably don’t matter anyway. It’s okay to feel upset if other people nitpick on you because your best life doesn’t match theirs or to doubt yourself because you didn’t “conform” in a way (because see above about reasonable reaction to unreasonable circumstances) for a while, but then! You can pick yourself up to move on. You can cook/ buy yourself a good meal, have a nice, scented shower, and snuggle into comfortable sheets with a good book or movie to reset your mood. I mean, come on. That’s the good life right there. I’ve answered some of the birthday questions that came my way on Instagram below and meanwhile, I’m looking forward to more of my 31st year! 🥂
How would you describe your 2022?
Financially draining; forced introspections. This year really shook my belief system. I wondered if I was even a good person at all, I wondered for three months if I should even write anymore - if it’s meant for me, if it’s my path, if I should pursue it anymore. So much so that for a year during which I should have been fervently reaching out to agents with my book, I barely did it. This year put the past years I had categorised as my “soul-searching” years to shame. I’ll talk at length about my 2022 in my end of the year blog post but “financially draining and forced introspections” is the quick overview and one-liner for my 2022. I had some good moments but I also had loads of unpleasant moments that I’m hoping time will master.
A lot of things broke down for you this year so you had to buy a lot of things. What was your favourite purchase from the year?
Oooh interesting question! You know, I like my new phone. I like my iPad. I like my new desktop. But I suppose my favourite purchase would be something I actually bought last year - it only arrived in January of this year so I’m going to make it count. It was a fountain pen. I’ve always been fascinated by fountain pens, always thought I was too childish for one, finally took the plunge (because somehow being 30 made me feel qualified to have one) and once I held it in my hands, I was transported to this memory of my late grandfather and the letters he would send us from India. When I say transport, I’m genuinely talking about those cinematic transportations - chair gets pulled out from under you, you fall backwards and a quick cut to child you who jerks back on your grandfather’s desk as you stare at the camera. And so, for that ghost of a memory and incredible moment, it’s my fountain pen.
What do you want from 2023?/ How do you think your 31st year will look like?
(I cheated a bit and lumped these 2 questions together - I think it’s a fair move because my birthday is so close to NYE!) Honestly, I just want this pandemonium to end. Everyone I love and care about is still healthy, happy and financially secure and I think that’s just all that really matters and I really hope it stays this way. Everything else is a nice bonus at this point. If the nice bonuses took the form of travel and other ways to have new experiences, that would be really nice. Realistically, perhaps a bit more than how much I wrote on here this year, a bit more balance between my work and personal life, and a little less dependency on others’ input.
I remember Tia said you should start a podcast! So can we expect a podcast in 2023?
HA! Okay, the direct answer is “probably not.” The long answer is, to be honest, I’m on the fence about this whole podcast thing - first of all, because of the time it’s going to need from me. I would probably need to remove one, realistically two things from my current plate to add a podcast. I mean I’ve already dropped my newsletter! Interviewing people is loads of fun and I still believe a podcast is a wonderful pivot for my tenacious women content (which I desperately miss doing) but practically speaking, I can’t do a podcast by myself with where I am at in life right now. I’m probably going to need someone to help with the editing/ mixing and I’m not exactly in a position where I can afford to pay someone else. I really like the idea of a podcast, the options for podcast titles appear to be endless (Teatime with Thendral? Talk to Thendral? Revisit my Tenacious Women so Tenacious Women With Thendral?) and just thinking about it gets me excited - I was even looking at designs for new podcast announcements on Canva the other day just because. But, I’m currently poor time-wise, and I don’t want to push myself at the risk of my mental health. I took a huge leap with my blog but something about a podcast makes me want to be measured and have some foresight. And a BIGGER barrier for me, and this is the more honest reason I’m dragging my feet about a podcast even if I did have the luxury of time - it’s that I don’t listen to podcasts. I find myself losing focus and wandering off into the forest that is my thoughts every time I listen to one. I’m there, I’m listening, I’m listening, I’m listeningggg and suddenly I’m thinking so deeply about something so vastly different I don’t even know when I stopped listening to the podcast or what my train of thought was to bring me where I am. So I don’t know if it’s hypocritical to start a podcast when I don’t listen to one.
Age and reality aside, how many kids do you want?
Three. It has always been three. I just no longer know if I’ll be a good mum.
Check out that 2015 Instagram filter, complete with vignette and all!
Any news behind the ring (it looks like diamond) I keep seeing in your recent reels?
There’s no news, I bought it myself when I was 24! I wanted to get some form of gold (to follow my parents’ footsteps in investments) but once I got to the jewellery store, my magpie brain went, “Hear me out. Diamonds.” And so ta-da! I didn’t wear the ring all these years because I felt so self-conscious about it. But now I’m at a place in life where I can laugh away the fact that it’s not an engagement ring without feeling inadequate that it’s not an engagement ring. Plus! I’m really proud of myself for taking this financial step and what-not! I mean, look at it! It’s so pretty and shiny!
If there is one thing you can change about your past or present, what will you change?
Nothing! I think every decision I’ve made, both “good” and “bad” have brought me to where I am today. And as much as I have a few “next steps” I’m looking forward to and things I would like to improve about myself, I’m happy with who I am and where I am in life for the most part. I can see how I could have done things differently but it doesn’t make me feel any unhappiness or regret. I think I’ve never really strayed far from my values so that could be a reason why too. And so, no there’s really nothing I want to change about my past or present!
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