I'm Not Looking For A Happy Life
The second ever post I made on this website was about chasing satisfaction instead of happiness. I talked about how I see the two differently, and that I would very much rather have a fulfilled and satisfied life than a happy life. Today, I thought I would take a little trip and revisit.
I feel like every time I open social media recently, I keep seeing these quotes, memes, and mini blogs under someone’s photo telling you to pursue happiness and remove factors that don’t bring happiness to your life. And to live a life that you don’t feel like you need a vacation from. I find all of these impossible, impractical and unhealthy.
Here’s the thing. Everyone talks about how pursuing their passion has brought them happiness, and sometimes some people talk about how much work went into it behind the scenes. But not many talk about how quickly how ugly everything can get. I can honestly tell you, hand over heart, that I’m not much happier since I started this blog compared to before when I didn’t have one and worked a 9-5. There are so many sleepless nights, I am very Type A and have high expectations of myself, I’m very demanding of myself and I drive myself to insane levels of stress that I break out in hives on almost a monthly basis. No, seriously.
Happy is not the word I would use to describe myself when I’m writing a post, when I’m proofreading it and when I hit publish. Happy is not the word I would use when I’m sharing a new post on all my social media channels and asking everyone to have a look. Happy is not the word I would use to describe how I was feeling when I was learning how to design your own website and when I was actually doing it. Happy is not the word I would use when I entered my credit card details to pay for my domain name.
I get frustrated when I can’t think of the word that best captures what I’m trying to say, even more so when I can only think of the Tamil word for that situation. I get so impatient with myself when I forget to add a comma where it was needed. The last holiday I had was in August 2017 and I don’t know when I have had an actual “day off” in a year. And then there’s good ol’ social media. Sometimes I don’t know if I love how much I hate it, or I hate how much I love it. It’s how I get views, it’s how I get readers and it’s how I’ve met some truly amazing people. But man. Sometimes it can really get my goat. I feel like you can be the strongest person and social media will find a way to break you. Constantly seeing other people do well, be happy, and achieve their idea of success will get to you at some point and if you’re not too careful about it, eat away at you. Especially when you and that person have been working on your paths for the same amount of time and that person gets a sponsored trip to Mykonos and you have a dwindling bank account. Social media shows you in the most glorious manner possible that there’s always someone better than you at anything and that’s humbling. And exhausting. It distracts you from the now, it distracts you from what you have when it could all be so much more than what you once actually had, and it distracts you from your own path and direction. From what makes you unique, what makes you, you.
Now, I’m not here to paint an entirely dull picture. I’ve not only felt stress and anxiety and horror since I set this up for myself. I’ve been happy. I was happy when a cousin told my dad how amazing my blog is. I am happy when someone messages me or leaves me a comment to say how much of what I wrote resonates with them. I’m happy when someone messages me with a perspective that’s different from what I wrote and tells me to think about it in a polite manner. That’s right, I can tell you exactly when I’ve been happy.
What I’m getting at is that while I may not necessarily be as happy as I was at my 9-5, I can honestly tell you without a doubt that I feel more fulfilled than ever. I work my fingers to the bone (literally, because there’s so much typing that goes on here), I work my ass off (not really, I just sit on it a lot but you get the picture) and I’m damn proud of what I have pulled off. I know I deserve what I have because, for the first time in my life, I actually built something from scratch by myself with no one lending a hand. And when you work as hard as I do, and when you overthink so much of what you do as much as I do, and when you stress out so much that you could compete with former President Barack Obama about grey hairs, a vacation is something you really, really need. It would be great for some time for self-care, it would be great to physically and emotionally leave your work so that you can come back to it with a fresh set of eyes and ideas and it would be great not to work for some time and just breathe.
Don’t get me wrong. If you think a specific job or a specific person will bring you happiness, by all means, go for it. But just know that it’s not a magic potion that will immediately bring you happiness once you embark on the journey to pursue it. It’s not going to be the solution for your life and that the journey could actually be a lot more disappointing and disheartening than you expect it to be. And that’s why pursuing happiness and an Instagram-perfect life is impossible and unhealthy.
At the end of the day, life doesn’t work like a flatline. You are going to have your happy moments and your sad moments, the good and the bad, the fun and the meh. Things are not always going to be rosy and cushy. Happiness is an emotion after all and it’s temporary. Like most emotions. When you think about your legacy, there may or may not be a lot of happiness attached to it. Your legacy is something that will take a lot of time and effort to build, and the result will be contentment and fulfilment. There may be happiness there then. And the journey that you take while building it, may or may not feature happiness either. Unhappiness is good. A healthy amount of stress is good. They are not things you should be actively trying to cut out of your life because they are the things that refine you and they make you shine. Chasing happiness will result in an attempt to fill a bottomless void. The next time things get a little difficult with your job, with your partner, with your life, examine them and work on them rather than calling quits. I promise you, you will come out of it stronger and even proud of yourself that you worked things out. You will feel satisfied because you worked through something.
We think people have it so easy when we see images on social media, but come on. How much editing goes behind the scenes? To the image, to the pose, to the person? When that takes so much work, why shouldn’t life?
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