Celebrating A Year of thendraluthaman.com!
And as of yesterday, thendraluthaman.com is a YEAR old! A YEAR! I thought I would take a little journey back in time and talk to you about how this website came to be and what it was like to get this going from the ground in today’s article!
I quit my job on September 29, 2017. The plan was to find a research job that called for more creativity because the standard research job made me feel very stifled. And since I was looking for a job anyway, I kept an eye on writing jobs as well because why not, right? The more time I spent on the job market, the more I started to realise how stupid it was of me to not have any writing samples when I was applying for writing jobs. I also envisioned myself as someone big and important one day and most such people on LinkedIn had their own website. I came up with the ingenious solution of killing both birds with one stone by setting up a website on October 27. The website was going to hold my writing samples for now, and I will change it to however I need it to be as I found my footing. Or at least that was the plan. I wanted a post when my website went live and somehow at around 1am, this idea about “The Recipe for Success” hit me. Somehow, or maybe because this was the most creative thing I had done in years, the whole thing made me feel so alive. For the first time in my life, I was SO excited about something and so invested in it. I stayed up until past 3am, writing the entire post out on a piece of paper with a pen. It was just flowing. What you see now on the website is something with very minimal editing and very minimal differences from the version I wrote out in the middle of the night. When I woke up the next day at 8am, I was still a bundle of energy, I was all over the place and I was hyped. Big surprise since I barely had 4 hours of sleep. I really wanted to do this right so I forced myself to sit down and meditate for 20 minutes. It helped as much as tea helps a coffee person “wake up”. I bought my domain and a plan with Wix. The pinch I felt when I entered my credit card details was… painful to say the least. I was just out a job, I have been passively job searching since April, I hadn’t even gotten an interview and here I was throwing good money at a domain name. Which was thendraluthaman.com because like I said, I didn’t see a long-term vision for it (which also to no one’s surprise, was available). I glossed over it like my purchases at Sephora. The damage had to be done.
Since the website was supposed to be a writing sample, I uploaded four posts within the first week. Meanwhile, I continued my R course, I continued to apply for jobs and I passively worked on this website. I still hadn’t considered this as a full-time job. And then December came along and it confused the heck out of me. I only uploaded one article per week because I had so much going on in my head. At this point, I had been job hunting for 8 months, which to me, was as good as hunting for a year. This writing thing was fun, but could it really be my career? I mean what about money? I feel like I have a few ideas about what I can write about but what if that’s ALL I have?! What if all this becomes a failure and a total waste of time?! Should I even be doing any of this at 25 and 26?!?!?!
I don’t know when exactly this happened, but when I think about it, it feels like I just woke up one morning and decided to chuck all my insecurities. I was going to give this writing thing a shot. I don’t have any dependents, I live in an Asian culture where it’s not a big deal to be 26 and living with your parents and, I had money saved up to tide me over. If not now, when else could I possibly be doing this? Was I going to spend the rest of my life unfulfilled wondering what could have been if I had actually decided to take this writing thing as my main job? And if this fails, at least I gave it a shot and I know how it went. I can always go back to the job market and find something.
And that was that. I was going to be a freelance writer and I was going to take this seriously starting January. Which means I needed a system. And that’s where the posting every Mondays and Thursdays came to be. I wanted to publish every Thursday because it’s my favourite day of the week (no, really. That is honestly why I picked Thursday. You mean to tell me you don’t have a favourite day of the week?). To space things out, Monday seemed like the best option.
Now, I wish I can tell you that once I made up my mind to take this seriously, abundance came my way and I prospered, and I worked with diligence and discipline. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Somehow, when my whole working life came to a screeching halt, having worked my butt off since Primary 5 (or age 11 for my non-Singaporean readers) took over me. I was so tired and I just wanted to do nothing for a while. Oftentimes, I dilly-dallied until the last minute to write something. I spent a lot of time watching the reruns of The Office. And you know what? It felt good to do nothing. I went straight from school to university. A university which had an accelerated programme and thus three semesters in a year instead of the standard two. I took time off to do an internship. I worked part-time in research while I was doing my degree and once I graduated, I joined the company I was part-timing as a full-time employee. Without ever skipping a beat. I didn’t even know how exhausted I was until my life came to a halting stop.
Which also made it finding my way back to work very difficult. I’m a pretty lenient boss and while I decided to turn this writing thing into a full-time gig, there was a lot of decisions I had to make by myself and it all just gave me "too much and not the mood" attitude. I couldn’t figure out the direction for my website. I couldn’t figure out the design because I couldn’t afford to ask someone else to do it for me, I couldn’t figure out exactly how I was going to make money because I wasn’t sure who I could work with or sponsor me for posts. And these were all things I HAD to figure out. Quickly.
We live in a time where everyone talks about pursuing their passion, and I know I’m one of those too, but the truth is, pursuing your passion is not for everyone. I don’t mean to discourage you but I just want you to understand how challenging this can be. During my previous job, I met someone in her 50s who told me that all she had wanted since she was a child was to be a nurse. Her parents didn’t let her study beyond basic education and married her off instead. Her in-laws didn’t let her do it either. Once her kids were grown up and had their own lives, she went and signed herself up for a nursing course and grew herself in that field. She didn’t get to pursue what she had wanted all her life until she was in her late forties. And she told me she would never retire because she was finally doing what she had wanted all her life. I think about her story often. You can see it as inspiring or you can see it as just not her time until she was in her 40s or, you see it as how much you would have to give up to pursue your passion - And sometimes what you have to give up to pursue your passion, is your passion in itself.
Now for the million-dollar question: Would I change any of this? No, absolutely not. Quitting my job and trying this whole writing thing has been this rare and incredible opportunity for me to hit the reset button in my life. I felt like I had to wipe out everything I know, everything I have and go back to the drawing board called life. Which I think is something not many of us are lucky enough to do. I had to learn new sets of skills, I had to really learn to become more confident because I only had myself to rely on and I came up with a new direction for my life. I sold a lot of my things to help with the finance part, I cleared out my stuff and I reorganised my room to work for me as someone who works from home. I forced myself to focus on basics and absolute needs because of my financial situation. The hustle and bustle of 9-5 forced me to feel like I had to look a certain way, be a certain way and present myself in a certain way. And when that was no longer an aspect in my life, I felt like I could reconnect with myself, align myself with who I want to be and to focus on my core values rather than who I think I should be because society says so. This was an opportunity for me to wipe the slate clean and go back to the basics, which was humbling. And it also felt like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
This writing thing has given me the opportunity to learn about myself more than ever. I thought I started this too late and should have jumped into this right after my degree since I knew I wanted to write, but when I look at the issues that I have talked about, I don't think I could have talked from a place of knowledge back then. I don't think I would have had enough life experiences or the emotional maturity to see me through a year of writing. I write a self-improvement piece because putting it in words reminds me to be how I tell others to be. I was so worried about starting the website because I thought I would run out of ideas. I thought creativity is a depletive source. A year and 99 posts later, I now know it’s something that grows the more you use it. I don’t even think I would have come up with recipes if I hadn’t taken this path. I amaze myself with that. I also worry about money every single day. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a wall since this is not the most interactive platform out there. I set my own goals, I call my own shots and there's nothing to refer to for an example of what to do. While my parents haven’t discouraged me, they still can’t quite wrap their heads around what I do, and they don’t see it as a legit gig. But they also wanted me to be doing one of the holy trinity of doctor, engineer or lawyer so I’m going to count my lucky stars here and call it a day. Early on, I thought about quitting it all multiple times and going back to a good old 9-5 where things are more stable, guaranteed and structured.
I’m glad I stuck it out. The old 9-5 system was structured yes, but it was also stifling. I felt like I had to be fit in a box and part of me felt suffocated by that whole thing. Between worrying about money and feeling suffocated, I chose to worry about money. While I’ve only personally blogged for a year now, I’ve followed the industry for some time and I can see how it’s always changing and evolving. And while I roll my eyes at it, I love change constant enough to the point that I feel like I’m on my toes, things feel new and challenging while you somehow still grow at them. Or at least that’s how I perceive blogging. I feel like the set of skills you need remains constant, i.e., writing, while the way you present it continues to evolve.
If you are looking to pursue your passion as well, all I can tell you is to ask yourself how tough you are. Forget the sacrifices, and the hard work, that's a given and that's something most of us would be able to do. But how tough are you to stick it out through all the constant failures, the rejections, your own crippling insecurities and nagging doubts? How tough are you to pick yourself up each time, be your own cheerleader and really push yourself to see your dreams come true?
Overall, the past year has been the most confusing, messy, and fulfilling year of my life and I would do it all over again if I had to. Thank you for seeing it through with me for being so supportive and all the love and kindness, I'm SO grateful for you and I don't know what I did to deserve you. I hope you will continue to see me grow with this website.
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