Bidding Farewell to Friendships
A lot of people say your 20s and your 30s are when friendships start to disintegrate. Someone you thought to be your best mate since your school days is not texting you back for some reason anymore. Or suddenly you catch yourself wondering why someone you considered your BFF is even in your life in the first place.
We are constantly told that these things happen, that it’s normal. That as we get older, our awareness of ourselves grows. Our lives change, and we grow in different directions. Sometimes this growth in different directions means with regards to the friends and us, sometimes it means we ourselves grow in a direction that’s different from what we expected our own life to.
But how many of us feel comfortable with letting go of friendships? How many of us are okay to tell a friend how we have been feeling about the friendship lately?
I feel like friendship is just like any other relationship. What keeps it going is honesty and communication. And sometimes, that honesty means being honest with ourselves. I feel like we all have an idea of how friendships should be versus how our friendships actually are. And that we chase the idea of the friendship rather than accept the reality of it. And I feel like that’s where the bulk of the problem lies. I’m not accusing anyone here of being fake, we are not being intentionally phony in our relationships. I’m referring to the little lies we tell ourselves in hopes of looking at things from a rosier angle. In hopes of minimizing what we consider to be trivial issues because otherwise, things are pretty great. Or at least we convince ourselves that things are pretty great. I believe that this is something we all do, and I’m guilty of it myself. But the thing is, at the end of the day, while we look for the rosier angle to not hurt the other person, or to not make something “a thing”, we are in fact, hurting ourselves the most.
If a friendship is fizzling out or is not as close as it has been, I think we should take the time to evaluate it. Is this friendship important to me? Do I want to continue being friends? If it’s a no, I suppose you can let it fizzle out. You don’t have to take elaborate measures to send a text explaining why you’re letting that person go, especially if neither of you is making a concrete effort to keep the friendship going.
If the friendship still means something to you, then take the time to reach out. It’s still your friend so you still have that degree of comfort and honesty to go “Hey! I feel like we haven’t talked in a while. Is everything still okay? *red heart emoji*” or “I feel like we have not chatted as much as we used to. How’s your life going? What’s up?” Take the effort because that’s within your control. If they choose not to reply or send out signals that they are not interested, then that’s not within your control so feel more than okay to let it fizzle out. Cherish the value you guys have added to each other’s’ lives thus far, and the memories, and let it go in a peaceful manner.
But what most of us do is to continue to set up dinner dates, coffee catch-ups and brunch sessions with friendships that have gone long past their expiry date. We don’t want to come across as the mean person who cuts off something, or we think it won’t be “nice” of us to terminate a friendship. And what I’ve seen in my own friendships, and in friendships of friends in these cases is that we then default to the old shared memories. The good times. A lot of “remember the time”. Because one of you is not interested in the other’s person’s present. It’s not something you want to talk about for some reason. Maybe because you have a better job, maybe because you are married and the other person is single, maybe because one of you thinks the other person wouldn’t feel happy for you about your now.
I rather have one close friend where our friendship has so much meaning to each other, where we inspire each other to grow, where we call out each other’s BS and still be there for each other at the end of the day than having 10 fleeting relationships where we check in on each other on a regular basis with as much interest as the “Hey! How’s it going?” we ask people we pass along our office corridor. Where all the friendship is, is the regular dinners and nothing beyond that. So to me, to continue to grow and sustain a friendship, it’s important to that the other party is interested in who I am now, what I am doing now and where I am at with my life right now. Cherishing old memories doesn’t require said friend to be present, nor does it require consistent dinner sessions to keep reminiscing about that period of my life.
Also, I’m pretty broke now to afford so many dinner sessions which I could otherwise do from the comforts and affordability of home while I’m crying into a glass of wine. I’m kidding! I have Indian parents we don’t have wine at home.
The point is, we need to get comfortable with phasing out friendships that no longer add value to us, or friendships we feel obliged to carry on even when we are not prioritized by the other person. Maybe it sounds a little mean or holier than thou, but this is just not one of those things where we will be rewarded for trying to keep something alive that died out a long time ago. If there’s no sincerity in that friendship, no commitment, and no authentic support, it’s of no value to either of you. In fact, it’s largely detrimental to your and maybe even their mental wellbeing. If you are not feeling prioritized by someone, and you are the one who’s keeping the friendship going, you have to ask yourself if is worth your emotional energy. If it’s worth your time, your energy, your money, your emotions, and especially that little voice in you that tells you it’s not happy about being sidelined in this relationship.
Again, to me, friendship is just like any other relationship. Mutual interests or accessibility could have brought you two together in the first place, but it’s prioritizing each other, and working on your relationship that makes it grow. Showing up when it matters, making them know that you will be there for them at the end of the day even if you haven’t talked in a month due to circumstances, and having the other party feel assured that you are well involved and interested in their life, their well-being and their growth.
Because at the end of the day, it’s the friendships that we actually invest in that sustains, not the friendship we hope to invest in, or think we could invest in or feel like we should invest in.
And if the friendship that we invest in doesn’t work out, it happens, it’s normal.
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