5 Things I Learned From My Immigrant Parents
My parents came to Singapore in 1994 when my dad got a job offer here. We had a community we came with, but it didn’t do much to alleviate the shock of being in a country where the majority didn’t speak a language you spoke or being in a world where things that were once commonplace for you were now a scarcity. Over the years, I’ve seen my parents quietly make a mark for themselves in this country, while I learned to navigate my identity and to assimilate with a world I didn’t particularly feel part of. And over these years, I've randomly picked up a few things from my parents:
· Like, two things my parents always lecture me is 1. Why are you still sleeping when the sun is SHINING? 2. Eat your meals on time! And of course, I’ve scoffed at both. I’m just not a morning person, dad. It’s hard for me. But I've come to appreciate that the point is 1. The value of discipline - you don’t actually have to get up with the sun if that’s not your thing, it’s just the Tamil way of asking you to change your bedsheet. 2. Let food be thy medicine.
· Before asking for help, make sure you have exhausted all options because even God only helps those who help themselves.
· Don’t hesitate to help someone, you were given what you have to share.
· Love can be expressed in a variety of ways – neither my dad nor my mum tells me they love me. It’s just not in our culture. But I feel it in the way my dad printed out a Tamil article he came across on cryptography and handed it to me when I was going through my “I’m going to be a cryptographer” phase and the way my mum buys me a midi skirt because she sees me trying to break out of my shell of black and drabby clothes.
But when I think of the way my parents have made their BIGGEST mark on me, it's through the following ways.
1. Nothing and absolutely nothing beats the value of hard work.
Because nothing is just handed out to you in life. Sure, luck can be an important factor in achieving success, as it did for my dad in finding an opportunity outside of Tamilnadu, the one place he had known for over 30 years. But having luck without knowing the value of hard work, or discipline is basically the equivalent of a lost opportunity. No one is going to do the work for you, so hard work, in essence, is the oddest way of learning to be independent and self-reliant.
2. Frugality doesn’t mean cheap.
A concept most Asian kids would find familiar is the squirrelling away our parents do – money, plastic bags, and even the most random things you can think of. Like, napkins. They’re firm in their belief that there WILL be another day where you might need it more than you do today. I always considered it a little ridiculous, why not just use it and then when we run out of it, we can go and get more (for things, of course! Not money, you can’t just go out and get more money, how would that even work? Overexert yourself at work and hope it pays off somehow during your next performance evaluation that’s due in 9 months?). But I never asked my parents about it and just exercised it to my heart's content when I started making my own money.
My parents could not have had their point proven better than through a pandemic and the various lockdowns we have been through as a result of it. Amidst the various panic buying, items running out in supermarkets, and literal throwing off hands over toilet paper rolls, my mum calmly goes “Oh, I think we have enough rice for 3 months. We have dried vegetables. We can be fine.” Sure, their scarcity mindset felt a little exaggerated to me at times, but come to think of it, it’s only fair considering their background where tomorrow’s staples might not be a given, especially so during literal rainy days (i.e., the monsoon season.)
They have a no-debt mindset, and that there is no reason why something that costs $2 HAS to be better than something you can probably find elsewhere for a dollar. That’s a subset that my parents taught me – there’s always a sale or something very, very similar to the thing you truly want for a cheaper price somewhere else. Because the one thing I wished when I was in the middle of the pandemic and jobless? That I had spent a little less on lipsticks and my rainy-day fund was a little bigger than it was.
3. Perspective
Someone’s always going to have it better than you, and someone’s always going to have it worse than you. And that’s with everything – money, luck, success. If you’re struggling with something, maybe try to zoom out a little or look at it from a different angle.
4. And so, giving up is not an option.
There was a tonne of opinions when we migrated that didn’t have to matter but did because we live in such a community. That we turned our backs on our home country, my sister and I could be raised without culture (and maybe even God), and so many other RANDOM things you can think of. But my parents put all that behind them and pushed themselves as much as possible to create better lives for my sister and me. They believed they can still raise people of value and people embedded in the Tamil culture in an environment they saw as clearly better for us. And I like to think they did!
And not only did my parents support my sister and me, but they also helped their families back in India as much as possible too. Obviously, the stakes are different for us now, and the value our generation attaches to mental health and the conversation is wildly different – but my parents believed and role-modelled that today can be tough, but if you persist, tomorrow doesn’t necessarily have to be. But of course, sometimes, all you can do is just wait for the tough days to pass. So, when faced with adversity, be persistent or be patient, but you don’t necessarily have to give up.
5. Don’t complain about what you don’t have, learn to make what you have WORK for you.
My dad’s English is not the strongest. My mum’s English is much weaker. My dad didn’t let that hold him back at work – he went on to prove himself indispensable as a Tamil Language teacher. He frequently looks for ways to keep his students engaged and tries to stay up to date with technology and as much as possible, pop culture to involve them. My mum didn’t let what she had studied in Tamil language schools, a sharp contrast to the English schools her daughters went to, hold her back when tutoring us. Especially in Science and Math.
That also segued into showing me that life is not about chasing happiness – happiness comes from people and things, and thus is a secondary emotion. What matters more is learning to appreciate what you have, finding gratitude. Which will create a quiet contentment about life. Which can get you through rougher days, because life is a constant cycle of ups and downs.
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