You're Hurting Your Own Happiness
My horoscope for this month claims that I am in a serious financial pickle. And that I will continue to be in one for a few months. Somewhere along the lines of planets crossing, and full moons occurring, something caught my eye. My horoscope said I should not be exercising a "I'm broke" attitude. That thinking as such, will further jeopardise my financial situation because of my inability to "attract" wealth. And that got me thinking. There's plenty of these type of law of attraction theories out there in recent times. They talk about how thinking “you’re wealthy” or “you’re successful” will help you attract wealth or success. Some even use this to talk about how you can attract good health, your goals and the type of partner you desire. Some take a further step to go on and link such thinking and behaviour to teachings in Hinduism, such as karma. I don’t know where I stand in this theory. I believe in energy, and that what goes around, comes around, but some of these teachings do seem a tad extreme to me.
What I think is important in this theory, that has somehow lost its meaning in the mix, or has been completely neglected altogether, is a different connotation to it. I am going to use happiness as an example, because it’s the simplest, and most obvious of all to use (rather than say, finance for example). When you say or think “I am happy” or “I am unhappy”, the audience essentially, is you. Whether or not the universe picks up on it, you are speaking to yourself. You are signalling something to your brain, where that thought attracts similar thoughts in your brain, or a series of subsequent actions to follow up on that emotion.
The way you speak to yourself is important, because you are listening.
I’m not going to lie, when something upsetting happens, it’s difficult to not have an inner monologue, or to not vent it out to someone. It’s difficult to sit there and be compassionate towards someone who’s making you feel unhappy. It’s difficult to find the silver lining in an unpleasant situation as you are experiencing it. And that’s okay, because to experience the full range of emotions, is only human. But what matters, is how you compose yourself, how you redeem yourself, and what you tell yourself, afterwards. When something has happened, and you continue to tell yourself well beyond the time the incident has happened “I am unhappy”, you are going to be unhappy every time you think about it. If you think “I can’t believe I let this happen, I am such an idiot”, you are going to think you are an idiot. If you keep repeating these thoughts to yourself, soon enough, you are going to believe that you are unhappy or that you are an idiot. So to fix that situation, you are going to reach for that ice-cream or head out for a “walk” and by walk, you end up stomping around. All you’re doing, is creating a constant loop of cue for unhappiness and response to fix that unhappiness, without ever breaking the loop. Don’t get me wrong, if you saw something and it reminded you of the time something upsetting happened, it probably is pretty dumb or even impossible to chant to yourself “I am happy”. What you want to do, is acknowledge something upsetting happened, and try to speak to yourself in a more compassionate manner. Nobody is asking you to lie to yourself. But you don’t have to put yourself down either. You don’t have to let that event get the better of you, by thinking “Oh my God, I was having such a great day until I thought about this.” You don’t have to sit there thinking “why me?” or “why does this only happen to me?”
Try saying “I was unhappy this happened to me, but I tried my best and there was truly nothing I could have done.” Or “I did fail, but moving on this is what I could do.” Speaking to yourself in a positive manner doesn’t mean repressing the negative events that happened to you, or pretending like they didn’t even happen in the first place. Not only is that naïve, it’s going to be counterproductive in the long run (i.e., a volcanic eruption of all your suppressed unhappiness that you thought you had buried long ago). Speaking to yourself in a positive manner means exercising integrity while being constructive. It’s about seeing the worth in situations and people, and how that can affect our growth. Now, this is backed up by actual science and Psychology (If you don’t think Psychology is science, please tell that to the four statistics modules I did, thank you very much).
While some people say your thoughts, your words, and your actions have to align, the truth is, sometimes, your thoughts, your words, and your actions do align. Thinking you are unhappy, triggers a response for unhappy behaviour, and subsequently, you do things unhappily, or things that momentarily “fix” your unhappiness. Think to yourself that you are strong, or that you are resourceful, or that you are capable, and you build resilience in yourself. More Psychology terms, I know, and you’re probably thinking “Thendral, I’m not very resilient” or “Thendral, resilience is not something I need”. Maybe, especially with terms like “resilient economy” and “resilient organisation” and “resilient workforce”. But the thing is, resilience is not just about having the aptitude to scale Mt Everest. Resilience is about dusting off and trying again, even in the most simplest of life’s situations. It makes life that much more worth living.
Don’t just wake up and think “Ugh, another day at work.” Think to yourself the tasks you can strike off your to do list, what you can say at that meeting or, what you can wear that gives you an extra oomph. Of course, this positive speaking is not a magical remedy that will make you happier overnight. Give it time, and trust the process. If it gets too difficult, know that speaking negative platitudes to yourself can and will drag you further and further down the proverbial rabbit hole. And that being kind and compassionate to yourself can make life so much more beautiful.
So, are you hurting your own happiness?
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