What I Would Tell My 18-Year-Old Self
Because apparently, this is a thing now. Out of curiosity, do you believe in time travel? I don't know what to feel about it. I can't bring myself to vehemently deny its existence. Nor can I be all "time travel is a REAL thing man!" But I think it would be pretty fun to go back and meet my 18 year old self, slumped in the back of a class and be all "Hey, want to hear something cool?"
Anyway, moving on with the article. If you, reader, are wondering, I picked the age of 18 because that's the time I honestly hit rock bottom in my life. If life was a graph, I was on a steady incline up until I was 15, where I flatlined until about 16 and then just plummeted to rock bottom by the time I was 18. I'm sure life has more adverse events for me in the coming years, but I don't know if any of them can wreck a havoc on my mental, emotional and overall psychological being as much as the events and I myself did from the age of 16 to 18. No, I was not a "you don't understand me" teenager, not to brag, I was already philosophical when I was 11. But I did have some out of norm events and I constantly look back at this period, as the dark side of my life. I still wonder what I could have done to make myself feel better in hopes that they are lessons that I can continue to incorporate to this day and years to come. So, starting with the toughest one, and the one that pushed me beyond hope (Also, switching back to talking to myself).
1. It's Not Your Fault
You couldn't have done anything to help your cousin, no one knew, not even his parents.
2. Be Kinder To Yourself
This is not the first time you are being mocked for your melanin. You can ignore it like you did when you heard it for the first time when you were 6. You don't have to hate yourself for this. The comments are just coming from a place of ignorance and foolishness, which you are better than. It doesn't have to get the better of you. On that note, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself when you look at the mirror. What happens to the compliments and love that you so freely hand out to others? How come they don't stand a chance in front of you? It doesn't matter if you are being mocked for your appearance even by those extremely close to you. You will eventually rise out of it. It doesn't have to be a reason for you to not get out of bed this morning.
3. Unnecessary Guilt is Unnecessary Emotional Baggage
You don't have to feel this bad about cutting negative people from your life, no matter how long you have known them, or how close of a relationship you think you have with them. If they were so close to you, they wouldn't be hitting you where it hurts anyway. This is a part of life, and this is not the only toxic friend you are going to remove from your life. This is a lesson for you, on why you need to regularly remove toxic people from your life (Speaking from a place of 8 years wiser, it's for your own good)
4. Don't Aim to Be Happy
Happiness is not a destination. It's just an emotion so it's impossible to be happy 24/7. You think you are so miserable and unhappy because you hate school and exams, you don't like the people you see there, you don't like why your parents are determining your value based on your education but actually you have been happy. When you are with friends and family who care, when you do something right, when you make people laugh. Hey, your parents are immigrants, they don't know anything about the Singapore education system, they don't know what they are doing either, so ease up on them. You are not unhappy. What you are is unsatisfied and unfulfilled. You are not feeling like you are accomplishing anything, or moving on to the next "level" in this game of life, so don't confuse that with your happiness.
5. Don't Measure Your Value By Just One Way
Sooo, yeah academics have been pretty bad. But you don't have to question what you are good at, and what your ambitions are, and your major and spin off and wonder about your whole life. What you do have is an innate curiosity which makes you a good student in the school of life. Cheesy, I know. But you will one day get a job working on projects that you have never studied for and guess what? You are going to be killing it. That's not something getting an A in Physics can compete with (Who even studies Physics?) You hustle, you actually like to work hard and be productive. It's just that you picked the wrong subjects, and even if you picked the right ones, who knows if it would have made a difference since you second guess yourself so much during exams. I know it looks like all the doors have slammed shut on you right now. But one day, a window will crack open.
6. The GP Teacher Was Onto Something
You see, window. *choir cue. Don't give me that look, we know we are dramatic by now. When he picked your poem as the best in the class, there was a reason for it. You thought "oh yay!" and then completely forgot about it, huh? But there was a reason that it was the best thing that happened. You will see. Yeah I know, he said he has a gift for you and he forgot to wrap it, but I think that was euphemism for "I haven't gotten you anything yet". And I know you love presents and you are still waiting on that but he actually did give you something. Validation on something you have been second, hell even third-guessing about.
7. Mute Society
Which is why you shouldn't be so in tune with society. Mute them once in a while. You weren't conventional as a child so there is no reason for you to "age" or "grow" into this conventionalism. What you have been seeking, what you are seeking has also been seeking you. You glimpsed at it. You just had to look harder.
8. It Will Take Time
So yes, you can be something of value to society one day and be someone. It will happen. You can't compare the beginning of your journey to someone's ending or even middle. You don't know what they had to go through to get to where they are right now. Give it time, and trust the process.
9. Also, Everyone Gets Their Heart Broken
Sorry about this but shit happens. Meh. It sucks. But life sucks once in a while. Dust yourself off and try again.
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