Two Years of thendraluthaman.com!
Anddd thendraluthaman.com is TWO! Two years since I launched this site, riddled with anxiety and insecurity. Two years of me pounding on a keyboard, sharing thoughts I usually share with myself on nights I can’t sleep to the entire world. Two years of me getting “thank you”s, “I related to your last piece SO HARD” and all the positivity and compliments you can possibly imagine about my writing. Something I once did as a hobby in secrecy, laid out in the open now for the world’s critical eye.
Those who have been following my content know that this has not been the easiest year of my life. I took a step back from my website because the very thing that feeds my soul was also setting it on fire. That's the thing about the whole "following your passion sets your soul on fire" cliché. It has been so romanticised, like a synonym for feeling alive and living YOUR life and being in control and all that jazz. The truth is, it does feel like your soul is on fire – but more like you struck a deal with the devil and it’s collecting its debt and less like a TV sitcom where your parents throw you out, you eat ice cream on your friend’s couch for two weeks, job hunt for three months and then suddenly you’re living your best life. Turns out, living your best life has a lot more stress and pain than you might expect.
So I needed to slow down for my wellbeing. It didn’t take long for random people to find my website and start appreciating the content here. Which was such a pleasant surprise because I thought I would have two readers at best. And all the attention became a bit much. The first few times someone said, “Hey, that was a good piece!” I blushed and politely turn it down, totally flattered albeit unsure what to do with a compliment. Writing has always been something I enjoyed, a way of making sense of things, and a way of remembering things. I didn’t think I was good at it, especially the way some of the compliments made it out to be. It’s just something that gave me a lot of peace and comfort. The next few times a compliment came my way it turned into a hesitant “Gee, thanks”. A sort of scepticism twined with pleasure. And after some time, it became a suspicious “Really? It wasn’t that good”, immediately opening up the post in question, reading it and scrutinising it to see what was so special about it. And shaking my head and thinking “I don’t get it? What’s so special about it?” Which took me some time to realise that it wasn’t the healthiest behaviour. And the more compliments that came in, the more I became critical of my work, asking myself each time if a post was really worth it. If it was meaningful enough, if each sentence was impactful enough, if a word articulates what I’m trying to say enough. Naturally, the more critical I became, the less everything became enough. I stopped making “wellness” posts because I thought they were stupid. My musings posts weren’t challenging the status quo enough. Self-improvement posts? Please. Clearly, I’m not perfect so why even write that crap? So, I had to stop and find my way back to writing for the pleasure of it rather than writing for the compliments and more importantly, for my own insecurities.
But I didn't want my website to be a dead wasteland (and disappear from Google search altogether). Although I get absolutely no money from this, I still consider this my job. So, I tried to pace myself creatively and write without nitpicking as much as possible. This resulted in an astounding 25 posts this year. In place of the eighty-six there should be at this time. I hated the fact that it was another Monday without a post, that it was another Thursday without an upload. I hated everything about it and I felt very, very guilty. While I knew exactly why I was taking a break, it’s just so easy for self-doubt to take over. I wondered if I had run the clock on my creativity. That my fear of having too little ideas to sustain a website had materialised. To be more poetic, I wondered if my website was like a shooting star, one that burned too bright, but too quick. And so, had died out, lost in space altogether.
So, I tried to hang in there and do my best. And what happened? All the top posts of all time on this site are from this year. Every time I published something, it caught on like a house on fire and raged its way to fight for the top in numbers. I also had my prettiest child this year – tenacious women! An endeavour to keep my website alive while bringing you inspiring and powerful content. Which has been a smashing success if I can say so myself! Next to the digital/ creative/ admin work of actually setting up my website, it is my proudest accomplishment! Can you believe we have SIX amazing women up there already?! SIX! With the seventh well underway this Thursday! I feel truly grateful to have this space and medium to share their stories and I am infinitely grateful to these women for taking the time and effort to indulge my questions. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before, but most features there took a minimum of a month to put together. And considering most of the raved pieces on my blog are these features, it has felt truly rewarding! Which is why all things said and done, I won’t consider this a shitty year for my website. I just wish I had written more.
And despite my spotty appearances on this site, I am so happy to see that I have lost NONE of my regular readers. NONE! I mean. How are you guys still here?! Honestly! If I was following my content, I would have unfollowed my “lazy” ass a long time ago! I want to thank you all for your unwavering support to this site and I promise I’m going to try and do a lot better in the next year of thendraluthaman.com. I don’t know if I can jump on track back to my Mondays and Thursdays schedule right away, but I am going to try. Hopefully from 2020 on. Thank you for all your support, the encouragement, and seeing the best in me/ this space even when I don’t. I appreciate each and every one of you although I don’t deserve any of you in the least. To year 3 of thendraluthaman.com!
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