Turning 29: A Look at My 20s
So, I turned 29 the past Saturday. This is it, folks! The final year in my 20s. Much like I wrote in my post about turning 28, I have been and am completely fine about turning 29. I did hear from some people about how they thought they were cool until they woke up the day of their birthday with panic, fear, a combination of both or any other negative emotions you can think of. So I tried to prepare myself for it - epic meltdowns are not unknown to me. Especially since I said pretty much said the same last year and got the “Oh, wait till you’re going to turn 29, the LAST year in your 20s.” But I woke up on my birthday completely unfazed. 5 days later, I am still chill about it. If anything, I’m told the aforementioned epic meltdown would be the morning of my 30th birthday. Although honestly, I think I'll wake up the morning of my 30th birthday completely fine and no one is going to be surprised by it. The thing is, I feel like I’ve been in my 20s for so long that it’s about time I move on to my 30s! I’ve never been much of a “child” or a “teen” anyway, and it’s nice to “age” into my personality so I’m excited! It’s a new decade! New beginnings! I mean, I have NO clue what’s coming up, and I’m getting more and more lax about these things and “goals” I had once upon a time. Partner? Eh, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, that’s completely fine too. Child(ren)? Same. If it happens, if it doesn’t, it’s completely fine too. 5 figure savings in a bank, a landed property (in Singapore, I know), maybe a car, all out the window. My 18-year-old self who thought I would be married by now with baby number 2 on the way and plans for baby number 3 in the future is astonished, to say the least. But the thought of starting a new decade, and the nature of this year actually made me look back at my 20s. Here is a summary of my reflections.
I came into my 20s angry, bitter, sceptical and just mostly tired of my teens. The Thendral you see now was in there somewhere, the Thendral I was as a child, but late teens to early 20s Thendral was mostly prickly and abrasive. Mostly because she felt so boxed in and she didn't know how to "fix" it and was unsettled and discontent every single day. At the start of my 20s, I was in university, a few semesters in, but with no clue where I was headed in the future. And although I found my degree a little interesting overall, I was still merely doing things I thought necessary and was forced to think about things I didn't really want to think about. Like the day some insurance agent cornered me, while I was still in uni, to talk about savings and my RETIREMENT plan. I don't even KNOW how I'm going to complete the assignment that's due tomorrow, dude! I didn't get to do the things, or rather, the one thing I actually wanted to do, and I was told, made to feel, and so considered myself, impossible to pursue from a “realistic” point of view. So I spent 20 to 22 finishing my degree, graduating, and very gratefully, segueing pretty seamlessly into a "proper" full-time job. 22 to 23 was the “I’m an adult now!”, “I have a job!”, “I can buy anything I want without having to justify to my parents who just won’t understand things like this $50 lipstick!” phase; a phase that was a complete disaster for my bank account. Some personal turn of events in my life caused me to “adult” really fast and was a huge wakeup call during 23 to 25. It was also the first time I went overseas on a trip completely funded by me and not my parents, so that’s an extra special memory from there. This time overlapped with 24 to 26 when I was having a major existential crisis that created many insomniac nights, staring at the ceiling, unhappy and miserable. That SCREAMING realisation that I simply CANNOT go on with my life like this – one dictated completely by my 9 to 5 with Saturday to recover and Sunday to prepare for the next round of 9 to 5. Especially since towards the end of that leg, I had joined a gym and a yoga studio where I would go after work so I was away from my home and space to truly think about what I want or need from 8 to 930 or 10. And so a couple of months shy of 27, I quit my job with nothing at hand, a month before November 28 I started thendraluthaman.com and 27 to 29 has been running this blog and coming to my true self, identity, and a place where I finally, finally feel home and at peace within.
It’s not all sunshine and rainbows though, it is pretty weird to be back at my old job Mondays to Wednesdays purely for financial reasons. Completely understandable with the events of the year, and how revelatory it has been, but still. You know. it’s just a little weird. There are also things that I wish were a little different; I do wish I had a home and space of my own and that I didn’t live with my parents. Something about being 29 and still living under my parents’ roof makes me feel quite a bit like a leech. It’s not uncommon, especially in the Asian community but it does make me feel like I’m having things a little too easy. I still do wish and do have my eyes on having a way to live in another country for some time. For a change of scenery and just to see what else is out there. It’s obviously nowhere near the best time for that right now, but it’s still on my mind. But these are not necessarily things that distort my contentment from where I am currently. These are more of “would be nice to have!”s. Like a size 8 body. I might get there eventually, but the lack of these things right now doesn't rob me from the present.
All this to say, at 29, I’m happier than I’ve ever been! That gap in my heart that started growing when I was 14 or 15 and made it more and more impossible to sleep, breathe, leaving me feeling completely trapped every single day has completely reduced. I only have that feeling now once in a while. In a healthy way; I think some doubt and fear is healthy and necessary to go on with life or else everything gets taken for granted. So it's fine, I let my fears and insecurities have their space when they do decide to show up and then politely show them the door when I decide it's time for them to leave. I don't let them stay too long. Which is why I think I started this blog at the perfect time in my life. I think you're sort of refining yourself in your late 20s and starting this blog at this age has been the perfect way to harmonise me coming into my identity and my love for writing. Most of my posts are me working through something and trying to make sense of the world. Doing so required to me look within and that did so many things for me. It required me to finally confront some of my own inner demons, something I didn't realise I would have carried into my 30s otherwise! I’m glad I can say I’ll be leaving a good portion of them behind in my 20s. I speak up more as I said in my Q and A post, and I’m less and less embarrassed about being seen – thank you Instagram lives! The more aware I am of myself, the more I'm learning to take myself less seriously. The more I'm learning to do so, the more grateful I am for what I have, what I have done, and the more at peace and content I am with them. At 29, I’m ending my 20s, doing the thing that I was so desperately hoping and longing to do and I'm okay with everything I have and everything I am in life.
Looking at the next 12 months, career-wise, I hope I get to finish this decade and start my 30s doing more of what I already am. As I always say, the motivation and intention of thendraluthaman.com is to find similarities among us and I hope to meet more people and present more points of views. Personal life-wise, I hope the next 12 months merge the adult me and the child me more and more to prove to teen me that life doesn’t have to suck and you will do everything you thought impossible. And that if you stick around, life will become so beautiful that you would eventually feel grateful you did. And of course, this birthday post could NOT be complete without thanking you for your support. You helped channel my late-night monologues into existence, into a more positive place both of which eventually helped to shift my mindset into a more positive one and one that is more content. Thank you for being here. I hope I get to share my post about turning 30 with you.
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