Questions to Stop Asking Women (And Other Thoughts)
Let me start by saying this is not the kind of FAQ I pictured myself doing. The first couple of times I was asked the following questions, I didn’t think I would have them asked for the rest of my life. I want to laugh it off as being adorable and innocent. But the truth is, I frustrate myself with my own naïveté.
Why people feel a great deal of comfort in asking these questions is beyond me. Especially when it comes from fellow women. Not only are these plain rude and plain annoying, but they also do not further your understanding of the individual you are asking in any way. It’s all “Frankly, why is it any of your business?" questions. Whatever happened to quality questions like what someone’s favourite cuisine is? Or coffee blend? Or Marvel superhero?
Now, I have shared my “enough is enough” attitude answers so these may be a little sassy (I am actively considering carrying a printed copy of this to hand over to people when presented with such questions). I have also rambled on a bit about what I think of these questions. I just need to get these out of my system.
1. Are you on your period?
Yes, I’m being emotional right now. And yes, I do get emotional when I’m on my period because my uterus is waging an actual war against my body for not getting pregnant. But just because I’m expressing a little more emotion than the norm doesn’t mean that I’m on my period by default. Maybe you are making me emotional. Or my mum. Or the barista who smirked when I asked for whipped cream in my coffee.
2. When are you getting married/ Why aren’t you still married/ other variations of this?
Honestly, I don’t know. I would love to be married. No, don’t start telling me to be more "open-minded" or assuming my expectations are “too high”. Hoping to meet a decent Tamil guy is not “too high” of an expectation. Don’t tell me I should shortchange myself because my “clock” is “ticking”. I’m not a jar of pickle; I don’t have a “best before” date. I will marry when I meet the guy who’s right for me and I’ll see if I can invite you to the reception (I may not).
3. Are you pregnant?
This is a question that comes from two different places:
a. Are you pregnant?!
This is often asked by nosy aunties, insensitive hags and the overly curious. Here’s the thing. If I was pregnant, I would tell you. Apart from the first 3 months where it’s taboo to share for both scientific and cultural reasons, and during which most women hardly show anyway, I will eventually tell you if I was pregnant. So, if I didn’t, I’m not. And for heaven’s sake, don’t ask me if I’m pregnant when you know I’m single and how single I’ve been, having never talked about babies or sperm banks. Do you think I fertilized myself?
b. Are you … pregnant?
This is asked because you look like you have gained weight. Look. I could be bloated, I could be loaded from the holidays, I could have forgotten to contour. No disrespect towards women who gain weight during their pregnancy – I fully expect to look like a sea monster that ate a pregnant lady if I ever got pregnant, I am busy making eyeballs and eyelashes and shit right now. Cut me some slack! As for me, just because my face or my tummy looks extra pudgy today does not mean that I’m pregnant. *walks away with a scoff while devouring a bag of Kettle chips*
4. Do you intend/ When do you intend to have children?
Unless you are my BFF or a stakeholder in my uterus, you are not allowed to ask this question.
Here’s the thing though. I’m not anti-baby. I actually love babies, so, YES. I know how amazing babies smell, especially when they have just been bathed and powdered. But it’s not that simple, is it? When I was a kid, I fantasized about having children. As an adult, I’m starting to wrap my head around the concept of being responsible for a miniature human being. I can barely dress myself, and I’m a hot MESS when I’m sick and now I’m supposed to change this smol mammal that can barely support its own neck?? Talk about pressure! But to answer your question, yes, I would like to have children, and if I’m blessed with the ability to bring a child into this world someday, I would. It’s just not something that has a “do by” date. Like my marriage.
5. Can you cook/ clean / do other household chores?
Yes, yes, and no. How about your son, Aunty? You expect me to take care of your son by making him rasam and not giving him “hotel” food? Well, it’s an all systems down situation for me 4 days a month and my nausea prevents me from eating anything too heavy like “hotel” food. Can your son make some rasam for me then? No? Well, that seems like poor upbringing to me.
I started cooking because my grandmother would turn in her grave if she knew I couldn’t cook. And within my first month of cooking, I realised what a valuable tool cooking is. Turns out, those home economics classes in school did have a point – you should know how to do some simple sewing like a button that fell out, how to cook some simple dishes and how to clean up the kitchen counter. So, yes, I will be teaching these to my daughter one day if I had one. Just like how I would teach my son. These are basic life skills worth knowing because that makes you a responsible and self-sufficient adult. Just stop confining me with it as a gender responsibility. Stop penalising me because I don’t know how to do one of these and dismissing all my other accomplishments in lieu of my “failure” in this. Just get on with the times already, my God.
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