On an “It Will Do” version
Sometime ago, I saw this quote/ tweet that said to get a “it will do” version when starting a site, a book, a portfolio, or anything else at all in life. It’s as simple as it sounds: the idea is to get something out that’s good enough for now rather than to waste time trying to perfect something – because you’ll never get your passion project off the ground otherwise. This quote hybrid resurfaced from the depths of my memories recently.
Coming out of the pandemic has been a lot more arduous than the natural transition I expected it to be. The world out there feels largely different from the one I knew – do you feel that way? I find there’s a shift in the energy with the way people behave, carry themselves, treat others, etc. About a year or so ago, I talked about entering a new world where things would hopefully be reset socially, politically, climatically. I feel like kicking myself because my naivete never fails to disappoint me. You see, things did reset after all – it’s just that it was in a way where people clung to their preconceived notions tighter than ever like it’s their life raft. The left swung further left while the right swung even more right. Nearly everything comes with a side of political agenda and socioeconomic burden now. To be perfectly clear, everyone needs to do their part with being conscious of their actions; I will not stray from this. But sometimes, you just want a burger. You don’t want to be guilt tripped of the things you did or didn’t do and somehow, in the process of striving for inclusion or doing the right thing, alienate people further. Like, just let me enjoy this gluten-free bun, damn!
To be fair, there are so many people who are still their best versions despite the pandemic – there have been such beautiful tales of community spirit, neighbourly behaviour, and looking out for each other over these past three years. And each has been as beautiful as the lone tiny white flower that blooms amidst the few blades of grass that fought to establish themselves through a concrete walkway. I don’t want such stories to be lost. But I still find myself wanting to be holed up in my room more and more because there are people out there. And I’m an extrovert.
Then there’s my brain – the thing I used to be proud of. My brain used to look like “What should I prep for tomorrow’s lunch? How many deadlifts did I do again last week? Right so this week I should aim to do xx. Need to get that ethics form printed when I’m in office tomorrow. Oh, and my airline tickets too so I can submit it to HR to claim. It’s my friend’s birthday next week, did I get her present already? I did and oh, what restaurant should I go to with that other friend I’m seeing in two weeks?” at any given point in time. And I used to be fine. More than fine. But then the pandemic hit, and I dropped all those balls of thoughts I used to juggle. Now? Forget trying to juggle two thoughts at the same time, I’m having a hard time picking up all those balls again in the first place.
To top it off, add the pressures of having to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good writer all of which is innate anyway anddd every day is just getting exhausting. I wind up feeling like I’ve failed on all fronts. Don’t even get me started on figuring out what I want or what I want to do. My conscious mind is a complete blank. Instead, I have these vivid dreams that tell me what I want. Like this one time, I dreamt Komala’s (my favourite Indian vegetarian restaurant in Singapore) opened a gluten-free branch in Siglap where they had gluten-free samosas and Indian breads along with the standard fair Indian food that’s naturally gluten-free like idli and thosai and all the rice dishes. The waitress told me their chef is still perfecting gluten-free parottas though and that it’s more likely they will be serving North Indian parathas rather than the South Indian parottas or Southeast Asian pratas. I got myself gluten free rotis and palak paneer. Again, this was a dream. I woke up craving palak paneer.
It was after this dream that the “it will do version” I saw years ago popped into my head as the following question: Should I start putting out a “this will do” version of myself instead of struggling to put a perfect version of myself out there? At least for now while I’m trying to find my place in this new world that for reasons beyond me feel so foreign and require me to adapt? What would that even look like? If I started telling myself, “It’s okay, you tried, it will do.” when I feel like I’m not living up to my parents’ expectations? Instead of hurting myself for failing and forcing myself to try again when I don’t even know what I’m supposed to try? If I told myself, “It’s okay, you have a blog, it will do for now while you hone your writing skills to become a legitimate writer or author”? Instead of wondering if I’m wasting precious years and floundering through life? What if I told myself, “It’s okay, you offered to meet your friend for dinner on another day that’s more comfortable for the both of you to talk about what’s bothering her. That will do.” Instead of offering time and energy I don’t have right now just to be the good friend, forsaking the more pressing needs of life I have in front of me for a conversation I’m not in a position to add value to?
I set goals for myself and track my progress. I do reflections to assess what’s going on in my life. Why don’t I look at the growth of my roles in my relationships, and assess what’s going on there, too? Why do I instead always set the bar at “perfect” and literally, die trying as the notion of “perfect” is constantly evolving because I’m consistently growing? Why don’t I, for example, look at a conflict that crops up and look at my communication skills – how would I have handled this conflict last year? how did I handle it this year? – as a mark of my individual growth and who I am in that relationship? Why don’t I just ask the other person in the relationships I’m part of if they feel our communication could be improved or if I could be of more support? Why is the default always “I’m not good enough” or “Why aren’t I good enough?” based on self-determined factors and not, “You did what you could at the time and space. It will do”?
I don’t know if this being unable to cope with what feels like daily life at the moment is depression, or a rut, or my “fight or flight” instinct being broken (which apparently is a common effect of living through a pandemic) or if the world did indeed shift energetically and I’m just trying to figure out who I am in it right now. There’s nothing I dislike more than whining or having a pity party, but sometimes you have to have a whine before figuring out what to do next or try next. And I’m going to focus on the part of me that wants to keep going, that still gets out of bed every morning even though she finds it incredibly hard, and tries to work through her million to-dos even if it’s just one at a time and not in the multitasking way she used to. Maybe it’s the part of me that believes in fairy tales and happily ever afters and kismet and so refuses to believe that this mind numbing, soul crushing feeling is all there is. For the rest of my life. That things are bound to change. One day. And so, I keep on. But I do wonder if there will be a day I’ll feel like I’m actually good.
I wonder if there will be a day I’ll feel like I’ll do.
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