Not Enough
Society has made it okay and acceptable to talk about an individual's body. From aunties gossiping at weddings about how Priya looks like she has gained 300grams, to your colleagues telling you that your face looks rounder when you are back from a two week holiday, somehow, other people's discussions of our body size has become something you have to put up with. I used to be a stress eater, not because chocolate made me feel better or because carb loading made me happier. I just simply ate. It got out of control around the ages of 16 to 19, a period of extreme darkness in my life. I'm pretty sure, in retrospect, that it involved some form of mental breakdown but I never had it diagnosed so I do not want to throw around the wrong terms like it's nothing. I'm a size 8-10 now. But I used to be a size 16, or at least, when I consciously started measuring my sizes. And I am incredibly self-conscious about my appearance from years of constant reminders about how I look, or how big I am.
From my point of view, I'm doing pretty okay with my life. I have a degree, I had a stable job for 5 years, I'm pursuing my passion and fulfilment now, I am a good daughter, sister, and friend, I donate to charity, I have articles published in scientific journals, I am good at public speaking, I have money saved up, I have traveled and experienced cultures, and with each year, I've doing better than the year before since 2012! I mean! I really have most aspects of my life together! But all it takes, to shake the entire foundation of who I am, and what I mean, is to say something about my size. All it takes, to shatter my confidence about my intellect and wit, is to casually mention something about the body part I am most self-conscious about. All it takes, to throw a wrench in my stride and make me cower in shame, is to say something about my body.
To be fair, it's probably my fault - to have such awful self-esteem about myself, and have such poor body love but my questions still remain - Why is it any of your business how I look? Why do you feel like this is something you need to address? Why do you feel like you have to draw my attention to something I already know? I mean, I do see myself in the mirror every single day.
Year after year, the questions never stopped. The comments never stopped. From close friends to immediate family members, they never stopped. And the message was clear. I was not enough.
Size 16: You don't need stairs, just roll down the ramp!
Size 14-16: You are okay-looking, but if you lost weight you would be prettier.
Size 14: When you see girls who are so thin, don't you feel like you should become like them?
Size 12-14: Just lose weight. Better things will happen to you.
Size 12: You exercise? Really?
Size 10-12: How did you get a job at (previous workplace) with that size?
Size 10: Maybe you should try doing more cardio.
Size 8-10: If you eat so healthily, why haven't you lost weight?
Yes, those are actual things well-meaning people have told me. Nobody congratulated me on my efforts in joining a gym, where by the way, I have been laughed at. Nobody said "good for you!" when I signed up for personal training. Nobody said anything when I lost all those sizes. Sizes, may I add, not weight, because I weigh roughly the same as I did when I was a size 16. But if I'm experiencing bloating, which is normal for women thanks to our wonderful hormones, everyone is quick to point it out. I was and still am, constantly made to feel like what I'm doing is not enough.
For years and years, so many people, especially women, have struggled with their bodies, and consequently, in their relationships with food, their self-esteem, and self-love. And when one woman, is able to so flippantly throw a comment that has such negative tones and consequences, at another woman - the lack of awareness on how much that comment is adding to that vicious cycle of scrutiny and insecurity is just amazing to me. Perhaps, that's exactly where these comments stem from, one's own insecurity and awareness about their insecurities so they direct that attention outwards. And it should come as no surprise that all this negativity is just adding more harm. Like we need more reasons to add to the misery of the world.
This body shame culture has made people fret over gaining 200grams in a week, a completely normal and natural effect in the body, it has made people cry in shame for being two sizes above the norm, it has made people incredibly insecure about their overall worth. To live. Just a simple thing - the way we look, has so much hold over us. The way we look, a the result of so many things - genetics, health, trauma, and habits. The way we look - because of things within and outside our control. So for those of you reading this, who look the way you do because of reasons you can't control, you ARE enough. For those of you reading this, who look the way you do because of reasons you can control, you ARE enough. Whatever journey that you are or are not on with your body, right now, you ARE enough. Know that someone out there in the world, knows exactly how you are feeling right now, understands and empathises with you. Because she is also struggling to feel like she is enough.
