Mixed Identities
I was born in India and moved to Singapore when I was 2. Actually, in all honesty, can you even say "moved" when you have no idea what's going on? I'm going to go ahead and say I was "brought" to Singapore by my family when my dad got a job here. My dad and my mum are the only people from their individual families here, and as much as they tried over the years, they couldn't bring any of their relatives over. So we travel to India on a yearly basis. Because that's where family is.
When I came over, I didn't speak any English. My parents didn't speak much either so my English was bad. I came back home from kindergarten all upset on the first day and told my dad I didn't want to go to school anymore because I didn't know what people were saying. My parents put me in an enrichment class to pick up the language. My English got better as I got older but I still struggled because some terms that were commonly used in my family weren't the norm here in Singapore. Let me give you an example. I was six and I had been raised pretty strict. Like if you lost a pencil you would get whooped at home kind of strict for not being responsible. So one day I couldn't find my ruler in class, and I got upset and started asking around for it. Except I called it "scale" because that's what it's called in India and that's the term my parents have been using. And no one is understanding what I’m asking for. I've also never been in a situation where I had to actively name it. I got frustrated, and I started panicking because I didn't want to be scolded at home. I'm causing so much commotion the teacher walks over and goes "What's happening here?" Right now, I'm very emotional. I couldn't handle the stress of having misplaced my sca- ruler. I was an emotional child. I tell her that I can't find my "scale". My guiding light has no idea what a "scale" is and gives me a blank look. I burst out in frustrated tears. Like I said, I was an emotional child. Another boy in my class, also of Indian origin (Indian meaning country, not race, here), explained “scale” means “ruler” and after some poking around, we found it. My teacher rolled her eyes at me (She really did).
When I came here initially, I had a hard time connecting with people - the racial majority in Singapore are Chinese, who bullied me about my skin colour and race. The local Singaporean Indians mocked me as someone from India and thus an "outsider". It's not like ALL the kids in my class ignored me, one or two kind souls saw how pathetic I was and made friends with me. But most made me feel unnecessary and unwanted. Kids didn't want to hold my hand when we had to partner up for recess because I was "Indian" and "smelly". If they got yelled at by the teacher to hold, I saw them rub their hands on their skirt when we were allowed to let go. I was called "shit" and "pang sai". I was constantly told to go back home. I didn't understand where any of this was coming from. I couldn't. I literally couldn't in the sense that I didn't even know what shit meant. I had to ask my bullies. The only place I truly felt welcome and fully comfortable was back home in India among relatives. Things definitely got better as I got older when people realised how funny and adorable I am when you look past my skin colour and national origin. Yes, I was extremely adorable, my fellow classmates used to pinch my cheeks, the same kids who refused to hold my hands a few years back (Just want to quickly throw in - I feel no resentment or anger towards the kids because ignorance breeds ignorance. No adult corrected them so they just thought what they were doing was right. So, it's all cool with me)
So while the connection and loyalty stayed with India, I was starting to feel, and actively build a connection here in Singapore. I had friends here. My physical home was here. I knew where to get what I needed here. And that brought up a lot of emotional conflict. The only thing I felt like I could truly use to describe myself was "Tamil" and I felt like I was allowed to be that in India. Here in Singapore, it felt like a handicap. Like a missing arm people would notice before they look at other things about you. But did that mean I wasn't "Singaporean"? No, because this is home. Truly. My parents decided to get Singapore citizenships for convenience for all of us when I was around 12. I protested, vehemently refused and flat out striked. I couldn't give up my Indian passport. No way. I was so stubborn, my own parents who had spent all their lives in India couldn't understand why I was so reluctant to give up my Indian passport. Long story short, my parents talked my ear off and got the citizenships when I was 15. When I turned 21, I was supposed to choose which citizenship I wanted. We don't have dual citizenships here. Again, I was cornered into picking Singapore. My parents cited further education, jobs and basically living here as reasons on why I should get the citizenship. Don't get me wrong, having a Singapore citizenship has made things a lot easier for me and I'm immensely grateful. Especially when you're coming back home from another country and you can just zip through the biometric scans because you're Singaporean. But you guys. When I had to go the Indian embassy to get the official documentation and I read the sentence that says "This person is no longer a citizen of India", it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. AND it HURT. Physically. I couldn’t even feel my stomach. We have an identification card here and the only thing I have to allude to my Indian origin now is the separate "Place of Birth" on it.
I'm 26 years old now and I feel out of place in both countries. I don't know when and how that happened. Sometimes, I feel like a Singaporean when I'm in India and like an Indian when I'm in Singapore. Sometimes, I wonder if nationality means anything at all and if saying it captures who I am. And this is where things get confusing for me. Like I said, I describe myself as "Tamil". Which is more of a culture, than a nationality. So the reason I was so upset when I was younger when I had to give up my Indian passport was that I associated India with my Tamil identity. Because I felt more Tamil there than here. And while I could do all things Tamil within the confinement of my physical home here in Singapore, when I'm out, I feel like part of me is on mute. That part of me has to be on mute. This wasn't a thing for me in India. Yet I can't bring myself to say I'm not Singaporean. I've lived 24 years here! I don't eat a lot of traditionally Singaporean food because I'm vegetarian, but I speak Singlish! When I'm in another country that's not India, I think about Singapore when I think to myself "I want to go back home". When I drink a bad coffee overseas, I long for the Kopi-C siew dai (coffee with milk, less sugar) you get at Ya Kun Kaya Toast. When I'm overseas and see a Singaporean do something embarrassing, I think to myself "Come on now! Can you not embarrass us?" But when I'm overseas and I see an Indian do something embarrassing, I also think to myself "Come on now! Can you not embarrass us?"
I wonder if this feeling of "home" has to be tied to geographical and political boundaries. Every year when I leave India after our holiday to come back to Singapore, I wonder if I'm leaving one home to go to another. And the honest answer to that is, I don't know. I'm still figuring this out.
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