A Letter to My Future Daughter
Dear daughter,
When I’m writing this, we have yet to cross paths with each other. But I was thinking about meeting you one day and it made me realise I have some things I want to tell you. And some things I want as a reminder for myself as you grow. It’s going to be hard to condense everything in one letter, but I’m going to try. And that pretty much prefaces what I want to tell you. I’m going to try my absolute hardest and do everything I can in my power so that everything is as perfect as possible for you. But I’m not always going to have the answers. What I do have is the want to be there to support you as we figure it out together. I don’t know if I can be the perfect mum for you, but you will always be the perfect daughter to me.
I’m not one to fuss at all about your grades, your school (although I do hope you will go to university. It just opens up so many more doors and opportunities, it’s just the way the world is wired and one of the things that makes it unfair – but if you don’t want to that’s fine too, we’ll talk about it), or what you want to do for a job. I only hope you have some principles, empathy, a realistic sense of optimism about the world and you don’t give up on them. I hope you trust hard work and respect will pay off.
I hope you believe in love. I hope you find love. And not just the kind of love you feel when that cute boy in Biology smiles at you and gives you butterflies in your stomach. Although, that’s really nice too. I hope you find love in pastel-toned sunsets and marble statues by Michelangelo. Of course, I hope you find the love of your life too, who will love you on days you find it difficult to. And although it’s a direct contradiction to what I just said, I want you to find love with yourself too. There will be days where you don’t feel like yourself even in your favourite outfit, days where you kick yourself for that careless mistake you made at school or work. Days where you want the world to pause maybe just for a few minutes because you don’t feel ready to face it just yet. Remember that these days don’t define you or your life and these are the days you need to love yourself the hardest. If it’s any comfort, I will love you all the same on such days. Even when I’m not here.
Make sure you have an identity for yourself. It will be so easy to go from being my daughter to someone’s wife, to someone’s mum. I’m going to do everything within my power to make sure you have the time to be yourself, independent of your identity as my daughter, and perhaps as someone’s sister. But I also hope you keep this in mind because it’s so easy to get caught up in everyone else’s demands and lose yourself in the process. Being someone’s (insert relation) is just a part of you just like being an employee. It's not all that you are. Of course, if you feel being a mum is what defines you, then embrace that identity. But don’t feel forced to box yourself. You should be you. You deserve to be you.
I yearn for a world of equity by the time you are reading this. A world that doesn’t subject your beauty to the colour of your skin. A world that lets you dream to be anything that you want to be. A world that doesn’t question your move and scrutinise everything you do simply because you’re a woman. A world that doesn’t tell you what to wear or how to act – both to attract and detract the male gaze. A world that doesn’t track your growth from girl to woman through puberty, marriage, and children. You can be anything you want to be, but I hope by the time you’re reading this, you’re not in a world where that’s rare, but a world where that it’s standard fare. But, a world full of equity would mean a world devoid of pain and suffering. And that’s just not the way this whole thing is set up.
So I hope you know you can call me any time for anything. If you want to play hooky from school because you’re just maxed out that day, we can go to the beach and get some ice cream. Make sandcastles. If you got stupid drunk at a party and need a ride home at 2 am, I’ll come pick you up. I would much rather you be in my car and get an earful a few days later than get in a stranger’s car. If you have a day that’s mentally and emotionally challenging, because of school, work, a boy, you name it, we can just stay in bed all day and I’ll pat your back until you fall asleep. No matter how old you are. Sometimes, sleep is the best escape. I’m here for you. Even if you just screamed at me, shut the door in my face, or told me you hate me.
Nothing will ever make sense when you’re in that moment but it will connect on hindsight. So just remember to live in the moment. It will always work out. It’s not the end until things work out. Don’t let anyone diminish your voice, and don’t question yourself on whether you should speak up or if you should have spoken up. Don’t hesitate to offer someone food and don’t second-guess yourself when it comes to food. It’s in our culture to share a meal as we consider food a blessing. I hope you give everyone you meet the same chance even if you have your own notions about them. I hope you give everyone the same level of respect and don’t diminish it even when they disrespect you. It makes you no different than them. Just walk away. In a world that’s always telling you the ways you can make yourself more beautiful, more appealing, I hope you remember that stars in the sky are beautiful the way fairy lights are in a dark room. Neither makes the other inferior nor superior, they just are. You are beautiful in the way you choose to define beauty. I’m not going to throw the age-old adage that beauty is about the inside at you, but! It does have some truth to it, my love. People with morals, compassion, and gratitude are just more beautiful.
And just remember, if anything gets too much for you, you are the sixth generation of some truly tenacious women. Okay, maybe you don’t find me “cool” or “strong” and I get it. But you still have four generations of strong women before me – women who broke traditions, conventions, and societal norms of their time and lived happily and healthily to their eighties and nineties and hundreds. Your great, great grandmother, for example, got married at 15, gave birth at 16 and became a widow at 17. She raised your great grandmother as a single parent in a time that didn’t think much of women, no better of widows and lower yet of a single parent raising a daughter. She was around until I was 8 or 9 years old. She bought your great grandmother a gold necklace with money she earned herself when your great grandmother was getting married. Your grandmother has that necklace now. It’s our heritage. Just like all their strength and compassion. All of them found a way to make a life for themselves in a time that specifically told them not to. And that’s why we know you can make something out of this life for yourself. That you’re going to be okay. We believe in you. We are all rooting for you and we are right by you every step of the way even if you think we are not. How do I know this? Because every time I was at a crossroad, every time I felt tested beyond my capacity, every time I thought I was all alone, I felt guided. I felt presence, support and newfound strength I realised in no way was entirely all mine. And so, my darling daughter, when you feel stuck and want to give up on it all, I know that there will be five generations of women there for their daughter just like they were there for me.
Now, I could go right on as there are loads of things I hope for you. To find joy in the small things. To stand by the truth even if you’re the only one to do so. To listen to your intuition and your moral compass even if that means questioning God. To see oceans in a raindrop and mountains in a grain of sand. To always try and find the light in the darkest of storms. But all I really wish is a world of love and laughter for you. I wish you to be honest in the way you approach this world even when everything suggests the opposite to be beneficial. Above all, I wish for nothing but for you to be happy and healthy.
Thank you for letting me be your mum.
I love you.
*Subscribe to my monthly newsletter, "Thendral's Telegraph" here!*
